"I thought that being strong meant never losing your self-control"
Not much to say.
I recieved a kick in the rear and I am insanely grateful. I'm finally pushing myself onto my guitar more. Right now I'm teaching myself Green Day's Good Riddance (Time of Your Life). It's incredibly wasy, but it'll be good for me to start with.
Koleszar, my band teacher, says I wasn't that horrible on my playing test. I have no clue what tape he was listening to because it obviously wasn't mine. He said, as of sixth period today, I'm 3rd chair. Bleh. I hope someone beats me. I don't want to play first.
In other news, I think I'm getting slightly better at QuizBowl. I am answering an average of two questions a day, plus actually helping with the bonuses and crap. It makes my chest swell with pride.
Damn.
Pride is bad.
I'm terrified though. Saturday is a tournament where I will be playing all day.
Scary.
I gave a stupid speech today. Apparently I spoke very speedily. Not exactly a surprise.
Ryo made a comment to me in Band. He said that he thought people misinterpret me because of my loud music. It makes me wonder where this thought suddenly appeared from, as it is nothing new for me. People constantly decide who I am and what I am like before they even get to know me.
Honestly, I've got to be the easiest person to walk all over on Earth. I'm too afraid to hurt other people's feelings. In the halls, if someone stands in front of me, I don't push them. I stand there also, stupidly, waiting for them to move. I'm not that confrontational. I avoid fights and arguements.
But that's not how people see me. They take my loud music and blank stare and turn my persona into something nasty. They take my way of dress and try to form me into something they can wrap their mind around. Something I never wanted or want to be. I see people stare at me in the hallways and I want to stop and scream at them.
But I never do.
One of the reasons I listen to my music so loud is to block them out. Block out the insults, the petty remarks that my childish classmates feel the need to make. So that I don't have to feel alone. I don't have to feel like no one cares.
I won't fit into a pretty box. I refuse to conform. I will stand out however much I need to obtain what I truly am. Myself.
It still hurts though. It pains me. I almost feel a sharp jab, and I get depressed.
But this never gets out. Because if I admitted it I wouldn't be myself.
It would be admitting to weakness, to vulnerability. Which I can't do if I wish for people to not have the knowledge of how truly vulnerable I really am.
"So make the best of this test and don't ask why. It's not a question but a lesson learned in time. It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you have the time of your life."
I recieved a kick in the rear and I am insanely grateful. I'm finally pushing myself onto my guitar more. Right now I'm teaching myself Green Day's Good Riddance (Time of Your Life). It's incredibly wasy, but it'll be good for me to start with.
Koleszar, my band teacher, says I wasn't that horrible on my playing test. I have no clue what tape he was listening to because it obviously wasn't mine. He said, as of sixth period today, I'm 3rd chair. Bleh. I hope someone beats me. I don't want to play first.
In other news, I think I'm getting slightly better at QuizBowl. I am answering an average of two questions a day, plus actually helping with the bonuses and crap. It makes my chest swell with pride.
Damn.
Pride is bad.
I'm terrified though. Saturday is a tournament where I will be playing all day.
Scary.
I gave a stupid speech today. Apparently I spoke very speedily. Not exactly a surprise.
Ryo made a comment to me in Band. He said that he thought people misinterpret me because of my loud music. It makes me wonder where this thought suddenly appeared from, as it is nothing new for me. People constantly decide who I am and what I am like before they even get to know me.
Honestly, I've got to be the easiest person to walk all over on Earth. I'm too afraid to hurt other people's feelings. In the halls, if someone stands in front of me, I don't push them. I stand there also, stupidly, waiting for them to move. I'm not that confrontational. I avoid fights and arguements.
But that's not how people see me. They take my loud music and blank stare and turn my persona into something nasty. They take my way of dress and try to form me into something they can wrap their mind around. Something I never wanted or want to be. I see people stare at me in the hallways and I want to stop and scream at them.
But I never do.
One of the reasons I listen to my music so loud is to block them out. Block out the insults, the petty remarks that my childish classmates feel the need to make. So that I don't have to feel alone. I don't have to feel like no one cares.
I won't fit into a pretty box. I refuse to conform. I will stand out however much I need to obtain what I truly am. Myself.
It still hurts though. It pains me. I almost feel a sharp jab, and I get depressed.
But this never gets out. Because if I admitted it I wouldn't be myself.
It would be admitting to weakness, to vulnerability. Which I can't do if I wish for people to not have the knowledge of how truly vulnerable I really am.
"So make the best of this test and don't ask why. It's not a question but a lesson learned in time. It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you have the time of your life."
posted by Tiffany at 6:14 PM
2 Comments:
Take off your headphones and smile. Walk with your head upright. Stride with the bright character I know you have.
There's no reason to accept misconception.
He has a point ya know. The future is a bright thing. We must strive to our best and our greatest, and boldy go where we have never gone before.
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