"You had time to waste and I'm not sorry, such a basket case, hide the cutlery.I had time to kill, it's dead and buried."

Bad me. Very bad me. I haven't posted in forever. And it has been eating at me. All the things I've wanted to post, but not had the time. As I type, my mom tells me to take the dog out. Hang on a second, I'll be right back.

And I've somewhat been feeling my blog has gone to crap. Where are the carefree, contemplating posts? They seem to have disappeared and left whiny comments about my day. Left me feeling like an average teenage girl, spilling her guts out to a diary. Which isn't what I want this to be. Yes, I want it to be a place for my thoughts, but I also want it to be a place where people see things that they don't perceive at school. The trace thoughts that I don't tell them.

So let me try some more. Sorry if this post is extra long. Maybe it will make up for the lack of venting I've dealt with over the week.

My third poem was accepted for an anthology. That's three out of three. When I'm done posting this I will type up the many poems that aren't on my fictionpress.net account.

I cut my hair today. Don't worry, it's not shockingly short. I only cut about two inches off. It's more wavy now though. I'm sounding too girly. New subject.

Friday we played everyone's project in Music Theory. Everyone had to write a new song or transcribe an old one. I chose to write one, being as I'm tone deaf.

I think it came out, well not horrible, just ok. It wasn't what I wanted. I asked Koleszar if I could do a guitar/piano accompaniment. It sounded like two pianos. The class apparently like it though. Or they could be lying as to not hurt my feelings. I think it was the latter. I imagine I did look slightly pathetic. My knees pulled up to my chest with my head resting on them as my song played. My hair hiding my blushing face and scared eyes. Who would say that it sucked then?

Thursday was....eventful. First period consisted of me dealing with the speech teacher who still can't use the smart board and also helping a classmate with the computer. Fourth period, English, was the next stressing item. Or I suppose not stressing. I just feel so empty in the class. Like a shell. And I always feel that everything coming out of my mouth is so know-it-allish. That bugs me. I try not to speak in that class.

On Wednesday, I had to show the class my Tale of Two Cities project. I was supposed to pick five chapters and stick songs for them. Then play the songs for the class. At least, that's what I thought. Turns out I had to present them too. So I said a few words, played a snippet of a song. Not too bad, right? I tried to look at them before the first song. Everyone was looking at me. Figures. So I stared at my paper. Then started the song. Each time the music played, my head was up at the ceiling, or down at my feet. I was never more glad to have such long hair. I did as Ryo suggests to me so often as being cool and hid behind it.

I hate presentations. They leave you feeling so open. Where I'm most vulnerable.

Technically, so far I have left out the two major collisions of my week. One of which was the main subject of the bad day of Thursday. Josh seems to have established it suddenly in his brain that I was staring at Ryo in Band. Of which my first reaction is something along the lines of huh? How did I even have time to "stare" at him. Between talking to him between spurts of playing and the actual playing the only thing I looked at was his head because it was in the way of Koleszar's conducting. No offense, Ryo. You don't have a big head. It was just in the wrong spot that day.

So somehow the entire lunch table delved into the subject. Accusing me of liking Ryo and making smart comments. Not in the smart as in intelligent comments, more along the line of smart ass comments. I wasn't thrilled. I've always hated it when anyone trys to pry into my thoughts on guys. Any guys. I prefer to keep them to myself. Then, there are no fiascos to deal with. I've seen too many problems with advertising which guys you like. It hurts feelings, it creates openings for hurt feelings, it rarely leads to anything. It more often leads to extensive problems.

So, beware people. Anyone I like is none of your business until I decide to declare that I like him. The only one I tell anything to is Heather and that's because I have enough blackmail and threats on her to keep her shut up.

At least I hope.

Plus, I'm a immensely private person when it comes to intimate feelings. Partially because I'm an idiot when it comes to guys. I don't know why. It just always ends up with me becoming enlightened that the person I saw is only on the outside, and they are really assholes.

So I've made a new rule. Get to know the guy really well first. If only I weren't so damn shy about everything.

That's the real root of all my problems. I'm shy. I can't express anything to anyone without the thought of rejection. Fear stops me from saying what I really want to say.

The other event was my truck. Yes, you all probably know what happened. Buttons somehow were accidently pushed. My truck thought my mom was stealing it and locked it up so you couldn't turn over the starter.

Thanks to the brilliance of two women a.k.a. me and my mum, not the neighbor and my brother, my truck is now back to running beautifully.

Oh, for a few days, we believed my father was in Pennsylvania. Me. Ecstatic much? Of course. Then it all came crashing today. Apparently the Harley Davidson repossesion people were wrong. His work's headquarters are in Pennsylvania. But my grandmother says he's still here.

Damn. Ruined my week.

Hopefully I can begin fresh this week. Fresh posts, fresh feelings, fresh thoughts.

Fresh music. It'll be up in a minute.