"It's days like these, that make me feel like I want to bleed through my heart again"

So now that X-mas is over my life settles back into its droning on. What money I did get for Christmas is not in fact going to the From First to Last hoodie that I've been eyeing oh so much, but instead to take a friend to the movies to pay her back for my christmas present. Which I don't mind, except that it's because we can't afford stuff like this that I have to use money for me to buy stuff for my friends. Oh well. I still have to come up with money for my best friend's birthday present. So I'll probably starve myself and not each lunch at school. Just eat when I come home.

The hoodie shall have to stay up on the wall at hot topic, though I am considering a cheaper one over the internet from their website. Either way it will stay till my birthday in August, or maybe if I convince my mom to give me some money around income tax time, but I doubt it. Most of it is going towards my truck as it is.

But I'm being selfish. I know it. It's just hard. But I shall live.

My sister is driving me nuts. I'm considering locking her out of the house. Not really, but I can dream right?

Going to Hot Topic the day after Christmas was hell. People. Everywhere. Course it gave me time to ogle the hoodie and numerous other shirts from bands that I want. Selfish again. But it's all truthfully dreaming. I doubt I'll get anything for quite a while.

I'm considering getting a job. With the slight complications of transportation, but I can figure that out later. Although I'd feel obligated to help my mom with our money crisises. Basically working and seeing no product for myself. But I'd be unselfish.

My goal in life. I'm failing miserably. I have so many guilty thoughts. Even if they don't leave my brain.

Not like anything truly does.

"I want to hate you half as much as I hate myself."

Big scare yesterday. Me and my mom came home and my little sis wasn't there. I don't think I've ever been so scared. Scenarios kept running through my head. I couldn't make them stop. Then I saw Christmas, a few days away, and unwrapping presents for a girl that we still didn't where she was. Or worse, that we did.

Turns out my sister saw that there wasn't Heather's camaro or my mom's buick and went over to a friend's house. Didn't even go inside the house to see if maybe Heather had just dropped me off. I'm glad that wasn't what happened. Or I would have had a breakdown.

It looks like I passed all my finals with flying colors, except my 84 in Hon. Alg.2, but I still get a B. Everything else looks like I got an A.

And life moves on. I'm deciding to go to Indy after break with Heather. I'll get this over with as soon as possible and move on with my life. Otherwise she'll find someway to drag the boy she's setting me up with down here. And I'd prefer for that not to happen. At least if I make a fool of myself there it's less people.

I enjoy the thought of less people.

"We're the chemists, who've found the formula to make you heart swell and burst"

May I say that it is horrible when your friend tries to set you up with someone. I'm pulling my hair out just thinking about it. My best friend and her boyfriend have decided that I need someone to "hang out with." Basically, they want to set me up. Hence, I'm refusing to ever go to Indy again. I now know more about this guy. He's blond, blue-eyed, supposedly really cute, basketball player, smart, has money, the whole package.

Great. I measure up beautifully.

"Your words are deadly weapons Killing me, destroying me Your words are deadly weapons"

Call me crazy. Call me a bitch. I don't care. But it hurts when someone makes fun of me through my music. Some boys being asses in Band decided to call out band names and say they sucked, picking ones they heard on my mp3 player or off my MCR T-shirt. My first thought was why would someone do something like that. Then I began to feel sad for them. How childish do you have to be to pick on someone else for something so stupid? Oh well. People.

The ongoing joke of me being a cutter is now beginning to bother me. Even though it's just Ryo. I'm falling down. I have to get a 96 on my Honors Algebra 2 final to keep an A. How horrible. Spanish should be easy.

"And I get a little shaken because I live my life like this"

Had QuizBowl yesterday. Hated it. Talk about feeling left out. I get the sad feeling I don't fit in. I even went with a group of three to Payless. Morgan and Anna talked nonstop. We decided I'm not a normal girl because I can't talk constantly. Jon got a laugh out of that. He was pretty quiet too. I don't think he was too comfortable when they started talking about hot guys. I felt sorry for him.

My beloved head phones broke. I am now switching through my crappy ones to find which ones work and what one works best.

And I'm getting a good set for X-mas. Not that I'm getting anything else. Besides a guitar stand. I knew we needed the money so I gave up my present that we had on layaway. I didn't need it, and this way my sister or nephew can get another present.

I'm going to the mall tomorrow. Yeah. Me at the mall. I don't go there often.

Heather is planning on setting me up with one of her boyfriend's friends. I don't know whether to say yes or not. Although it's not like I have a choice knowing her. And she hasn't even met the guy. This all spun off from Jerry Springer, cause she was watching a guy tell his girlfriend he was a woman. So Heather told her boyfriend never to tell her that. Hence my comment that all I cared about physically was that it was a guy with a real dick. Now for her bright ideas.

Crap.

Today was boring. I wrote poetry. Yeah, about the one thing I can do.

"Burn the sun burn the light take my hand take my life"

Ryo asked me what I think about the other day. In the two muntes between passing periods he asked me to cram into what I think about as I space out. Not that I could fully explain it anyway.

How do you put into words that you can't understand other people. I can't get it into my head how other people think. That's what I think about. Among other things. Like how life is ironic. It all seems to be a game. The small things too, like how everyday things work. I could spend eternity in the rain, trying to figure out how it works. The small wonders. And if I'm weird just to notice them. How people can walk by everyday and not. Mostly, I don't wish to explain this to Ryo. I don't wish for him to believe I'm strange. Err...stranger. Ryo is one of the few opinions I actually care about.

People have been asking me if I cut lately. I wish they wouldn't. I find it horrible. Even though I laugh it off and joke with Ryo and a couple others, it still stings. People look at the way I dress and make assumptions about my lifestyle. Once again, I don't understand people.

Judging is weird. I can't find myself looking at a person and coming up with everything about them. I have to know how they think first. But to do that I'd have to get to know them, and them me. And I'm not to fond of people. Though they don't seem to be too fond of me.

Finals are coming up. I'm cramming. I have to make a toy, write two papers, finish homework I didn't do. Study, hope, and pray.

"They call kids like us vicious and carved out of stone."

I am now depressed. I was entirely happy. Till some freshman asked me if I was depressed. He called me goth yesterday too. Oh well, I found him annoying in the first place.

Then I was drawing on my arm in English with Ari's sharpie. Just to be a dork cause I stole it. Honestly, she stole my pencil from my hair first. And Tyler told me I shouldn't cut. Which was entirely stupid. I don't cut and never will. So, to laugh it off, and at Ryo's suggestion, I drew a little pair of scissors cutting along on dotted line on my arm.

So now I'm sad. The movie in Child Development was horrible too. It was about a girl that had been sexually abused and was now disturbed to the point of killing. Yeah it affected me pretty bad. Sorry, can't tell why, but it did. It was....horrifying.

Food stamps finally came in so we have loads of food in the house now. Truthfully I could probably bring a group of guys over and still have food left over afterward.

It'll snow tomorrow. That'll cheer me up. I'll come home after QuizBowl and spend an eternity staring at it. That's just me.

The news on my sidebar is somber. Everything is these days. It seems as if everything is going downhill.

Grab my chance at life. Never stop to look behind. Keep moving. Try not to trip and fall.
Fall down.

"Exaggerating the barrier between who I am, and who I want to be."

I haven't posted all week so naturally I have lots to write about. It only seems that I have forgotten what over the course of five days. Hence, I must bring myself back to Monday. Nothing important went on.

Except QuizBowl. That was the day Rachel said she thought it was awesome when I had started wearing stuff from Hot Topic. She commented on how I looked before.....though she didn't get it right. I now know a new view of myself: a good girl who started to dress different. Not that I act different. Or listen to different music.....actually I don't think I've changed. My "style" has just simply become my own. Although Hot Topic is awesome......f.y.e. too.

I have brought my C in Algebra 2 up to a 83. I'm ecstatic. All the worrying, crap I'm going to screw up my life, drama is over. I am happy with a B.

Chemistry has been awesome. This whole chapter is amazingly fun. Balancing chemical equations and all the rest of the math just makes me feel at ease. I'm in my forte.

It snowed Thursday. Brilliant. I'm in love with snow. It's miraculous. The compostition of it can't be compared. How do you get water to be so devilishly soft, yet not be a liquid? Anyway, it made my week.

Today was slightly not good. After feeling the tension again in my Nutrition and Wellness class, I began to feel really light-headed. It's been that way all week. It's been recommended that I actually eat breakfast and remember to eat dinner at the risk of becoming "anorexic" like Ryo. Pfft. I'm not anorexic. Just slightly scatterbrained.

I find myself spacing off more lately. Sam says I've become quiet at lunch, which I guess is true. I just have so much to think about and never enough time. Invite insomnia.

We had to turn these lovely sonnets of doom for English today. Normally I can pop a poem out of my head quickly, but add rules and I go blank. Hence my poem was a load of crap. I made it sound like it was written for stage fright, or at least could be mistaken for. I hid my true meanings under metaphors and vague sentences. Then again, I always do. Nothing different. Jon laughed at it when he read it. But I think it's because I told him not to. I feel like a dork when people read my poems or songs. And I have one posted up on the English room wall that I hope no one ever notices. It has a hidden meaning too.

But like I said, everything does.