"You bring me out, show me light, I’m sorry if I hide, I’m too afraid to look inside. You carry through, you make me smile."

Summer break! Yay! No school. Til Wednesday. Then I'm back to sleeping in class.

I actually did chores today. Go me. My mom will be ecstatic when she gets home.

So.

Awkward silence.

This is what happens in my brain when I have no one to talk to. Actually, scratch that, it makes me sound schizophrenic. This is what happens when there are people with me that aren't talking. Unless it's a comfortable silence. I love those. They're so comfy.

I guess technically as I'm typing this blog, I'm not thinking of it as a diary or a journal. Merely me talking to my friends. The blog isn't a person I'm confiding in. Err, well sort of. I'm going to stop here before I confuse myself.

So.

Four-day vacation. No people. No one to talk to. No Ari to hang out with. No Ryo to poke. No Ryo's watch to steal and mess around with the alarms. Cue the sigh.

I'm bored.

Oh! My niece, Mya, and my nephew, Christian are finally coming back! Much dancing! Many exclamation points!

However, this frightens me. What if Mya doesn't remember me? It's quite possible, and horrible in my opinion.

I have post-it notes. Whoops. Off subject.

I'm pretty sure Christian remembers me. He's four, so he has a better memory. And he remembered me at Easter. It's depressing to think that Mya might not remember our fun times. After all, I was her favorite person besides parents. Granted, I was Christian's favorite person when he was young too.

I always get along so well with animals and small children. It's people around my age and older that confuse me.

Speaking of animals, the new kitten is stalking my other pets. Literally. At first I thought she was stupid, attacking Shadow, who is four times her size and armed with deadly claws.

Now I question her sanity. She has been attacking the dog, who is somewhere near at least a hundred times bigger than her. One of the dog's feet is bigger than the kitten. Although, the dog considers the kitten hers. Jenny sniffs it, and plays with it, and gives it baths. It is a hilarious moment when you see a 140-pound dog nose to nose with a kitten that weighs maybe two pounds at the most.

Well, I hope I entertained someone, if not myself.

"Like a star without its strings,
I’m hanging here on these two wings.
For that smile and those eyes…(I’m falling)
If time could stop, how could I make this more poetic?
When there’s nothing more pathetic to be said… "

"I dare you to tell me to walk through the fire."

So two days, not much has happened. I end this semester of summer school on Friday.

I applied at two Subways. I haven't gotten any notice back.

And the kitten has....disappeared apparently. Again. I swear this thing is Houdini. You look away for a split second and it is gone. It's also brave. Or very reckless. Rose will dive bomb off of practically anything.

I feel bad that my posts don't have anymore insightful thoughts to them, but to tell you the truth, it's summer. Summer means relaxing. Not pondering. Usually if I ponder, it's light, brief thoughts. Nothing worth telling.

Stupid things, like if a calculator calculates 5+6 or if it merely pulls up the output for that input. Although that would mean that there would have to be many inputs it would have to store the outputs for. Plus the random number button wouldn't work, as Ryo informed me. He and Rachel said it calculates, which does make more sense. It just leads me on to how does it specifically calculate. The inner workings of inventions have begun to seep into my thoughts. Probably the side effect of reading too much Popular Science.

I'm buying my graphing calculator tomorrow. We're actually going to buy something from eBay. That terrifies me. I'd rather use the old-fashioned thing called a store. But we can save around fifty bucks, so eBay it is. Still, I am wary. Especially after I heard the story about the picture of an Xbox 360. Apparently someone bought it for $600. They thought it was a real Xbox, but they still had to pay for it because in the description it said it was only a picture.

Only one word for people who don't read the description: dumbass.

I talked to Sam for the first time in a while today, mostly because Ryo had to give Ben a ride home, so I was waiting for my mom alone. Be so glad when I can drive.

Ack! The kitten jumped on the keyboard. Loser.

Anyways, talking with Sam was fun.

Well, I suppose this is it. I can think of nothing else to talk about. My mindless summer continues.

"Over and over, over and over, I fall for you. Over and over, over and over, I try not to."

We have acquired a cute, fluffy kitten. It is currently in my lap, attacking my hair. The innocence of such a kitten amazes me. It's white with blue eyes.

I went on a social excursion with Ryo and Rachel today. I suppose that means I'm becoming less antisocial. But Ryo is too, so I don't feel so awkward.

Riding in a vehicle with Ryo is.....comical, to say the least. However, to lessen Ryo's embarrassment, I won't say anything.

Yeah, so nothing special. Just an average day. For an average teenager. Oh I guess that does kind of make it weird.

At least for me.

"Breaking the stillness the silence has failed and my pulse has quickened again, holding on here by a thread"

Ok, so I have a somewhat good reason for not posting. Not really, I'm lying. I didn't want to post until I had my pictures from Washington up where people could see them. Unfortunately, to do that, I have to stop being lazy. The very thing that's stopping me from cleaning my room right now. I'm so flawed.

I just bought blanks cds, only to find out that my computer hates me and doesn't want to put the pictures on a cd for me. Grr...

I was supposed to have the pictures on a cd for Mrs. Schneider. Except my mother didn't do that. So I tried being all smart and fancy by doing it myself with my trusty scanner. Needless to say, my computer doesn't find me to be the brilliant genius that I thought I was. I'm lying there too. For one, my computer can't make a judgement about me and two, I don't think I'm that intelligent.

So, I get to explain tomorrow to Mrs. Schneider why I don't have a disc to give her. I may have to e-mail them to her. Yuck.

I just came back from having to commandeer MY Pirates of the Carribean cereal from my sister. My mom picked it up for me last week. I'd only had a bowl of it so far. Don't get me wrong, this stuff is heavenly. Johnny Depp tastes really good. I had over three-quarters of a box left, only to see my sister analyzing it tonight. The little brats have been eating it this entire week! My cereal! There was only a bowl left. I had to argue with my sister and I am now contentedly trying to savor my last bit of Johnny Depp cereal.

Somewhat depressing.

My Warped Tour tickets are printed and in the mail. At least that's what the e-mail they sent tells me.

There. I feel better now.

"Sometimes it seems impossible, to focus on anything other than you. Right now the world seems so silent because I'd rather think of you."

Ok, my opinion has officially changed. Kill all the spiders you want. Except daddy long legs. They haven't done me any harm.

Why has the spider-lover turned around so quickly you ask?

Today was the second time I've been scared by a spider....while in a towel.

I got out of the shower and proceeded to my room. I stopped just in time to not run head-on with the spider dangling from my doorframe.

I ran into the kitchen, looking for my trusty bug spray. Guess where it was?

Yeah, just my luck. My life is cursed. The bug spray was in my room. But I slipped past the spider and grabbed the bug spray. The thing was still hanging in midair. I sprayed it quite a bit more than needed, but I needed confirmation. So, when it stopped moving, I grabbed a shoe and dragged the web to the side of the door. Lucky me, the spider stuck because of the thick coating of bug spray. So I squished with my least favorite shoe, just in case.

Not the worst part. I got dressed and came out to the living room. Only to find that the blinds were open. Not up, but still open. Anyone out on the street had a clear view straight to the bathroom. Which means anyone out on the street got a lovely view of me running around in a towel.

Lovely.

So, in conclusion, feel free to kill all the spiders you like. They're all perverted anyway. Honestly, attacking me while I'm in a towel?

No manners at all.

"Love me faster than the devil. Run me straight into the ground. Drowning deep inside your water. Drown in love and memories."

I'm watching kids currently, so I have no idea how long this post will be. I really need to get more sleep. I fell asleep in class today. I felt so bad.

My truck is running. Yay! Well, it was running before, it just was without brake lights and turning signals. But that's fixed.

I'm getting too pale. That bothers me. I actually recieved a tan line on my arm after walking a little while in the sun today. Truthfully though, my arms are pale by my standards. I wonder if I could actually get a sunburn now.

I buy my tickets for Warped Tour tomorrow. Fun, fun, fun. Can't wait.

I'm saving up for a Greeley Estates t-shirt. Everything else is pretty much going towards water. Lots of water. Last year we probably spent half our money on water. Considering we had a combined total of around $150, that's a lot.

My mom was stung by a bee on the trail today. Right where her shirt meets her pants. Serves her right. She pushed me off the trail earlier. Karma. Got to love it.

Actually, karma is an interesting thing. I don't really know what to think about it, or fate, or destiny for that matter. I would like to think that I have some control over my life and I'm not stuck to one path. However, this conversation tends to make me ramble until my head is spinning from confusion, so I shall stop here.

Typing is no fun when you have a deadline. I have five minutes to finish posting, before I hand the computer over to a Clifford-playing kid.

Speaking of that certain kid, Kirsten has a fascination for picking dandelions. So, she picked one and made a wish. Her wish was to be just like me.

I think I froze in shock for a moment. The idea that anyone would want to be anything like me is psychotic. I think to my life and I can only think that I wouldn't want to go through it again, and I don't see how anyone could actually want to live it.

But she's just a little kid. To her I'm the nice aunt who plays games. Who teases but rarely punishes. Compared to her other aunt, I must be a savior. Her other aunt spanks her and yells at her. I can't ever imagine doing that to any of my nieces, no matter how frustrating. Except maybe the yelling, but I usually finish off with a joke to let them know I'm more disappointed than angry.

Kirsten is a strange kid. She spent most of the walk by me, holding my hand. At one point she came running up to me and slipped her hand in mine. She looked up at me with this adorable expression and said:

"I think you have a boyfriend."

I stumbled over my feet. Lovely. The kid thinks I have a boyfriend. I told her I didn't, but she just looked at me with a mischievious smirk.

Sometimes I think I can perceive everything going on in a kid's mind. At other times, I'm left at a loss for words.

"It's taken all this time for me to realize what you mean to me."

So, I've gone through three days of summer school. Not much to say. I've been finding myself extremely tired. Even today. I went to bed at a respectable time, eleven o'clock. For once in a long time, I fell asleep almost immediately. I slept until noon today.

My mother has gone on a scholarship "binge." It's starting to scare me. She wants me to do all these essays to win money. It's not the essays that scare me, more what they represent.

I'm a junior. I have two years to build up scholarships. I have two years to do twenty hours of community service. I have two years to screw up my life.

In two years, most of my friends will leave. Off to colleges far away. I might leave. Though I seriously doubt it. I couldn't afford to.

Time is passing too quickly. I'm halfway through highschool. I haven't done anything I've wanted to. I haven't joined the groups I've wanted to. I haven't learned enough. I haven't had a boyfriend in highschool. I haven't been on a date. I have yet to tell any guy that I like him. I've yet to grow a spine for myself, even though there is one always present when it comes to my friends.

I can always stand up for them, but never myself. I can give them good advice, but I can never take it myself. I'm too insecure. Something I've always wished to cure. I hate that I don't like myself.

And in some weird way, scholarships remind me of this. They remind me that I only have a little time left. This depresses me. It could be why I'm so tired. Sleep is a means of escape. Dreams place you out of reality. Even if mine have been rather confusing as of lately.

Life has suddenly made itself very complicated. In such a way that I don't know how to deal with it. I'll let time carry the problem. I just hope it turns out all right before time runs out.

I said before that time is relative. On Monday I will be back in class, thinking how long the four hours will be. When I leave I will think of how short years can be, and how little we accomplish.

Everything we put off. I should know, I'm currently putting off cleaning my room. But eventually we have to do it. There are deadlines.

You have to act before the deadline comes or regrets usually follow.

"Whatever it takes, I'll make your darkest days so bright, and if I should fall, I know you're waiting, and if I should call, I know you're there."

I'm back. Hello. I don't have much time to post today, but I will get as much as possible.

On Thursday I left West Lafayette for Washington, PA. Not Washington, D.C. We were spending the night at a hotel in Washington, Pennsylvania first.

The first time since I was eight that I've been in a hotel. I explored, pressed buttons, marveled at the shower and free newspaper. Fun, fun, fun.

Then we headed off to Arlington, where the Nationals were technically taking place. We played two games, losing one by five and winning the other one.

I am horrible at badmitton. Or at least with the small rackets Mike had. I've always played everything with tennis rackets. So, as soon as I get a little bit used to it, I'm doing ok and actually hitting things. Then Zach really pissed me off. I had evil plans to kill him. Unfortunately, saving them for the ride home was a bad idea as they later got derailed.

We lost all of our games from there on. I did actually answer a question on which two vice presidents had shot someone. I wouldn't have gotten it if the other guy had not gotten it wrong. He said Aaron Burr and Gerald Ford. Gerald Ford shot himself...in the foot. Anyway, I buzzed and answered Aaron Burr, the one I didn't know, and Dick Cheney. Insert laughter here.

The next day, whatever day it was, I woke with a bang. My phone was acting as an alarm clock with an incredibly loud and annoying song. Gero didn't wake up to turn it off. So I had to hurry out of the top bunk and turn it off. While only mildly awake. We watched a varsity game and went swimming.

In the middle of all this somewhere, we explored Washington, D.C. I must here inform you all that I am a huge idiot, no matter what Ryo says.

I wore flip-flops for the first time in years. The kind that go between your toe. This also happened to be the day that contained the most walking. By the time we arrived at the spot for the shuttle to pick us up, I had blisters.

The shuttle was on lunch. I proceeded to walk two miles through Washington, D.C. barefoot. I have blisters on the bottom of my feet.

My first day at the dorm room things we were staying at, I was smart and decided to take my shower at night. And forgot my towel. Now, I had a change of clothes with me, so I wasn't streaking to the room or anything, but I didn't want to get my clothes wet. So I kept thinking I was really screwed. Then I heard my savior singing. Rachel got me a towel. Go me.

I also did not wear my sweater up to the top of Hotel Washington. We sat there, high up, in open air. It was a nice view, you could see the White House. Unfortunately, I was wearing a shirt that does not protect at all against the wind. Fuhe was the first to offer his overshirt, and to call me pitiful. Then Ryo offered his, and Ryo offered Andrew's. Though I didn't take any of them.

Everyone decided to pick on me at this trip. My allergies will be the death of me. I sneezed often, and was made fun of it all the time. People found out I was ticklish and decided it was fun to make me blush. Mainly by sticking their arms around me in the middle of a resturant.

I was depressed one day for a reason I can't figure out. I just seemed kind of low. It might have been the constant rush of people.

I hit my head on a chair. Hard. By looking up at the ceiling. Like I said, stupid.

When I get my pictures developed I'll stick some up.

I'm terrified of escalators. One tried to eat my shoe. They scare me.

This trip confused me extremely.