"The candle is burning out the light flickers away."

No real highlight of my life today. I simply drifted. Band was spent examining the rain droplets on the window. Water is so amazing. Besides it's chemical properties, it is ecstasy to feel rain or the ocean. I really miss the ocean. Indiana is just not the same when it comes to the summer. The pressure of the waves on your body is a feeling that can't be copied. Besides the fact that chlorine smells wrong.

Rain itself is godlike. To think that it could fall from the sky in perfect drops, be affected by wind only to hit the ground. It carries so much in such a small space. Such a large amount of atoms. I love going out in the rain or watching it from my room and thinking. It calms me.

Thoughts come to me easily. I think so much about anything and everything and it all stays stocked up in my head. If I do say what I'm thinking people look at me strangely. They want to know what happens in my brain when I space out. I never do truely space out. It's just a time to assess things. That's when I think of life, all the problems and things I don't understand. Things I wonder that make me doubt what has been drilled into my head. When I speak about any of these things people treat as if I'm an outcast, to be ingnored. Which only pushes my thoughts further.

"The stars will cry, the blackest tears tonight."

Credit for the title goes to Story of the Year.

Yes, it's my third post today. I'm bored. That's dangerous. I have no one to talk, though I am considering hanging out at Ryo's blog and posting random things. But he hates me when I'm bored.

So what could I talk about. What in my life could interest anyone at all. I don't know why it would.
The party at Ari's house. She invited me. Well, it was more of her sister's, and it was technically a "Shakespeare" party. There were people from our school and a few not I think. It was weird. I couldn't stop blushing and staring at my feet. I thought I had gotten over my shyness. Scratch that. I thought I had suppressed my shyness. Apparently not.

People terrify me. Especially new people. I didn't know anyone and this one guy kept looking at me. Ari said he was like that. he somehow manages to stare at everyone at once. It was still scary. I kept staring at the wall or floor and cautiously float my eyes across the room, only to see him looking at me. I hate it when that happens. then I don't know if people think I'm staring or if I'm supposed to talk or what. My response: blush and look back down to the floor.

I swear I never blush. This is unnerving. The last time I blushed so much is the time I rambled on about how badly I had done on a playing test outside the office only to have Mr. Cotten open the door and tell me that the door wasn't that thick. I don't really get embarrassed. If I do, I shrug it off and be embarrassed inside. I don't blush. I don't. God, my face is turning red.

"And well I find it hard to stay, with the words you say."

Yes, I posted earlier today, but I have become angry witht he weather. It's supposed to be sunny, rain, snow, thunderstorm. I'm going nuts. It's almost December and it's only snowed once. And I didn't even get to play in it because it melted.

Instead I shall study the clouds and watch the formations, the slight movements, open spaces and angel rays. I'll keep walking, running till everything goes away. Till it stops and I'm the only thing left with momentum.

I'm considering putting up my poems/songs/little things I write in the notebook that I always carry with that is coincedentally currently at school. Yeah, maybe not. Then I really would hate it if anyone read this. I have a hard enough time hiding my notebook so a friend doesn't accidentally pull it out.

Plus, I already accidentally let slip that I have a blog to a friend. I didn't think she noticed, but all I kept thinking was oh shit, oh shit. She keeps pestering now, though she said she'd stop. I had to promise though that if I ever found out that someone had read this, I'd have to let her too. And God knows I'm the one person who always keeps a promise. Even if I could get away with not saying anything. It comes with having so many promises broken as a child.

It's strange. I work so hard to gain the trust of the people I care about, even when I find it hard to let the same people in. And I wonder if they really trust me, or if what they put up is just a front. I do trust people with the big things, but never with the small. I'm strange.

"As days fade, and nights grow, and we go cold."

My computer is fixed except for the lack of sound.....but that shall be fixed or else I shall die with out my music. I love DSL, I've spent my time downloading everything in sight just because it's so fast. I'm in love.

Tis the last day of the weekend and my lonesome days are drawing to a close. Tomorrow it all comes rushing back, at which point I must pull myself together or break and fall. Personally, I hope it's the first. I fall enough on my own.

My hair is damp and driving me nuts. It seems so simple a thing to grow my hair out, but honestly I don't know if I can stand it any longer. It's too poofy and everywhere when it's down and the damn stuff won't all go up into a ponytail. Not to mention I've broken five and once I stretch them, more hair falls out. It didn't bug me too much, but so girl at a store the other day said I shouldn't leave my bangs out just to be "emo." I wish to pull them out.
I have discovered this lovely thing called profile views. I only have two. That means that no one is reading this and I may continue to rant on without consequences or worry.

It's strange that I'm actually posting on this thing. I never was one for diaries. My first and last entry consisted of me saying I hated my father which my mother coincedently read and told him. I however think I was quite intelligent at...........ten I think, and that I should have stuck with my gut instinct the first time he left and just stopped talking to him then. My life would have been a lot easier.

My mom tells me he's not allowed over for X-mas. Yay! My year has not been totally ruined, considering he screwed the rest of it up. He left during finals, got stabbed causing us to have to take care of him which was hell. Decided he needed to spend "quality time" with me on my birthday, at which point I wore the sluttiest thing I could find. He likes to think he has control over what I do. He had the audacity to think he would still get to interview any boy I decide to date......right. Then Thanksgiving goes up in smoke. I didn't even eat turkey. Sorry, didn't mean for the pity party. I just wish he would go poof.

"Put your ear to the speaker and choose love or sympathy but never both"

Whoa, loads has happened. Thanksgiving was horrible. I spent the day at my relatives. That was the first mistake. Besides really not liking my family, my father was there. And he had the nerve to talk to me. He had the guts to ask if I was still talking to him. I said no. Why would he think that if no one else on our side of the family was talking to him I would be the one to? This is the man who, after the last time I stopped talking to him, sent his elbow through the wall. Idiot. He acts as if he can still call himself my father even after all the crap. He ought to know that blood don't mean shit to me if you can't live up to it.

So I spent my time listening to my cousin ramble on about meaningless things. I think I freaked the family out though. I was contemplating dressing "goth" but I couldn't find the right clothes. Oh well, my brother called me goth, maybe that's enough to get them to leave me alone.

Grabbing the chance to stay the night at Ari's, we also saw Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. I feel slightly disappointed. I mean, obviously, I expected the book to be way better but it seemed as if the whole storyline was rushed.

Today I recieved midterms. Intercepted is more like it. I managed to keep my mom from seeing. I have a C in Hon. Algebra 2 which is bad. It's one of those, screw up this screw up your life things. All because I forgot to do my homework once. Hopefully I can bring it up to a B. English is a B, which I need to actually bring up because I want to get into Honors next year. My B in Nutrition and Wellness is because I didn't turn in a 200 point muffin. Oh well it's still a 89%, so I don't have to do anything.

The only really good thing was Hon. Chemistry. I'm getting a fricken' A+. Yay! Much dancing! Ugg...I played DDR at Ari's. Apparently I suck as badly with people telling where to move as I normally do. I guess I'll forever be "sitting out dances on the wall." Sorry, Fall Out Boy has been stuck in my head all day.....they're addictive.
I feel strange, like I'm on the breaking point again. If I screw up in school I'm royally screwed. Life out the window, dreams gone forever. No pressure, honestly. Sometimes I wonder.....but I'm not supposed to. I must keep on track and not break under the weight. Grab the bar and pull myself up....too bad I always sucked at pull-ups.

I miss my cats Cotton and Kali. I had to give them up when we moved and it's been sinking in lately. I try not think about them, considering the people I left them with lost them the first day. I hope their happy. I'm sure not. Especially since my room has spiders in it. Cotton would have eaten them for me. Sorry, little humor to cheer me up. Hope it works.

"You only hold me up like this cause you don't know who i really am."

First off I'd like to give my blog "title names" credit to so far My chemical Romance and Fall Out Boy who are both awesome. Even if I do have to filter out the people who just listen to them because they became popular.
I'm getting quite worried. People actually back away from me in the hallways now. Personally I don't find loud music scary. I find the people who are in black lipstick and goth clothes just to be popular scary. No I'm not goth, I'm not punk, and I'm not fricken' emo......ok maybe a little emo. But it's not because I'm stereotypical. I could wear preppy clothes and stull be me....not that I ever would. Why spend so much on a pair of jeans with holes in them? I'd much rather prefer buying a $10 pair of jeans at Wal-Mart and making the holes myself. What I get from Hot Topic is rare and more of shirts. I pay money for the pants simply because I like pockets and they're long enough for my legs. But even so I only have one pair. I like the shirts though. And band tees. But I'm poor so those will have to wait.

I left my purse in Algebra 2 today. I feel brillant. Not really. I still haven't gotten used to carrying a purse. It's mainly there for my mp3 player and my phone.....and cards. Which I suppose I could carry, but my binder's fat enough as it is. But I almost got a trady and ran over like five different people sprinting through the halls.
May I say that I hate reading aloud. My throat seizes up and I'm terrified I'll slip up and say something stupid like Tyler saying sex instead of success. Unfortunately my luck, I'll slip up in Nutrition and Wellness where I will actually be made fun of. Not that I care, I just ignore them and write in my notebook. Or picture violent deaths for them. Crap, I'm supposed to be working on my anger management. I'm not allowed to do that anymore. Maybe I can pass it off as a relaxation technique....hmmm.

Mrs. Schott got onto me about saying pissed off. I was joking around saying I was pissed offf because I got a 96 on my Spanish test cause it was the lowest I had gotten. She asked me if I talked around my mom like that. At least she didn't say my dad. Then I would have had to tell her that if my dad ever did come around I would have to use actual "language."

The stars are quite pretty tonight. I find myself drawn to the Lynx constellation. It's only three stars but it's fun to contemplate who came up with the name and why. Other times it's enough to be surrounded in the greatness of it all. It sort of stinks because I live in the city now and the view isn't as good, but my window looks right out, so that's a plus.

I have a MySpace friend. Krista. This is strange. I didn't expect to have friends. It's probably because I posted on a forum. I don't know if I want to be noticed by people or not. I see others around the school saying "Wow, you're on MySpace." What if someone asks me about what I write about here? That would be awkward. Awkwardness is fickle and can go either way. People terrify me.

"Light a match to leave me be." - Fall Out Boy

"Force our smiles baby, half dead. From comparing myself to everyone else around me."

Uggh. I'm online working on homework I got from fricken' QuizBowl. Stupid Mike. Stupid predictable Jon. We had to play rock, paper, scissors, and I knew Jon would through rock until I threw paper. So of course I won.
What do I get? Researching a country. Grr. Technically it's QuizBowl. I don't have to do it.

Will I?

Probably.

In the meantime I'm playing around with my fucked up computer trying to figure out what the hells wrong with it. If you can't tell, I'm frustrated. Only two more days. Not that I'll get to have Thanksgiving anyway. We might not be able to afford it this year. And my stupid biological sperm donor can't even give $1 to us. Fuck him.

Ok, I'm done ranting. I think. Yeah, pretty much. I must finish now so I may go research Bangladesh and try to grab the shower before my little sister uses all the hot water again.

"I'm not going home alone, Cause I don't do too well on my own"

Ahh well it is Friday, night of late nights screwing around. Not literally. But instead of my normal routine of sit, read, fool around with the computer, I shall instead be a good girl and go to sleep at a normal time. Say, not 3:30 in the morning. There's a Quiz Bowl tournament tomorrow. I might actually get to play(seriously doubt it). Ryo says Quiz Bowl is sexist. I say just nobody likes me. Oh well. I'll deal.

Like I deal with Keenan calling me a fricken' goth. I believe I've already stated that I extremely dislike labels, especially goth. Yes, I wear a lot of black. Yes, there is a skull on my purse. Yes, I listen to my music a little loud. That, by definition, doesn't make me goth. Besides the fact that I don't want to be "goth," If I said I was goth now I would be considered a wanna-be goth. I do wear other colors besides black, and I wear blue jeans more often than not. Sorry, pet peeve.
Finding a picture for My Space is hard. I don't have a picture of me older than 12, except for my ID which looks like crap. There is one picture I considered from a friend's phone, but getting it off the phone would be difficult. The picture is labeled Tif's finger. Have I mentioned I dislike pictures? Oh wait, maybe that's considered obscene. Crap. And our digital camera's battery is dead. Well, not like anyone looks at this anyway.

I'm feeling less suicidal today. Today is a slightly happy day. I don't know why. Mood swings. Go figure. I didn't eat again today. No, I'm not anorexic, far from it. I'm not exactly skinny. I just don't have any money. I've had maybe three meals in the past two days, cause I don't eat breakfast.

I have just gotten an IM. Yippee! Not really. It's guy, who I currently want to smack. I hate when people randomly find my name and send me stuff with webcams or sexual thoughts in mind. Cue the I hate people.

I guess that's it. Not like my life is exciting or anything. It's just pressing. Pressing till you can't breath.
"Life is but a dream for the dead."

"And we'll love again and we'll laugh again, we'll try again and we'll dance again"

Uggh...life sucks. I forgot half my homework and didn't do the other half. Luckily I managed to get out of it in most my classes. But my english grade will probably once again be a B. Such a positive grade when I'm thinking of going into Honors next year. I think the pressure is getting to me, although, as was said in my OLC class last year, I don't plan to go "jump off a bridge." Though me and Jaki decided we would jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. It has history.

Seriously, I'm begging to wonder if I'm a strange person to this world. All the bad luck things that you see happen on tv tend to happen to me. I, of course, have not only fallen down the stairs, but up and sideways too. I get run over in the hallways constantly. I ran into a guy and my papers and books flew everywhere. This, coincidently, was the same day my spanish book mysteriously went poof. Oh well, maybe I'm just a klutz.
I also had to try and keep calm when dealing with the two girls in my Foods class. I dislike it when people act as if I'm stupid, or as if looking at each other or whispering isn't going to catch my attention. It's not like I don't hear it anyways. They also pick on the other girl in our group who tries to be nice and suck up to them. It's really sad. I don't understand how you could still want to be friends with people who always put you down. Then again, I'm not the best at making friends. I'm lucky to have the friends I do have.

I have decided to completely go against English. I hate it and I hate Mr. Hicks. Well not really....it's hard to completely hate people. About as hard as it is not to hate people. But he continually drives me crazy with not only the way he teaches, but how he treats me. Today he made me read a poem. Yesterday I read a third of a poem. I don't know whether to take it as an insult or a compliment. Considering the poem today included using a lot of improper grammar. Maybe he's commenting on the way I speak. This is after all the teacher that I told that I hate English. Did I mention he's an English teacher? Yeah, so I'm pretty sure he's not to fond of me. I should have kept my mouth shut.

Now, off to look for a kid-friendly recipe for Child Development. Apparently Classic Deviled Eggs aren't "fun" enough.

"And paint these walls in pitchfork red"

I guess this is where I'm supposed to spill my guts. It seems so much easier when it's just a computer. The truth is if anyone ever knew what I thought my school facade would be more screwed than ever. So I guess I'll just hope no one reads this.

I'm finding life hard. Well, not too hard, more trying. I find myself lying more often. All I want is to be left alone. All I want is someone to notice. I guess that's a little weird.

I find it strange how people see me. I'm a nice person really. At least that's what my friends tell me. But when someone's outside that world of friends, I close up, say something stupid because I'm truly terrified. I don't care what people think but at the same time I can't help but wonder if I'm in this all alone. I seem to see things differently than some people. I just don't seem to get people. I don't know how people can worry about trivial little things.