"I'm falling apart looking for what's outside of this."

Ok so I haven't actually told anyone about my blog. I keep forgetting. Honestly. I so scatterbrained it's ridiculous. I did however let Ryo "read" my poems. Not that he actually did.

I guess not much has happened as of late. I had a social experience on Friday. After spending two hours with my fellow QuizBowlers playing bang with many sexual innuendos, I saw a movie. With people.

Yeah, stepping up in the world.

Or down. I'm not sure which I would consider it.

So yeah, I saw Glory Road, spent my lunch money for the week. Was it worth it? Absolutely not. Well, the movie was ok. I saw it with Ariel, Anna, Jon, Adam and Brady. So yeah, feeling little left out. They each have their own little groups. I'm just there.

Then we waited outside. In the freezing cold. That I happen to be sensitive to.

The idiot that I am, I did not bring a coat.

I am a insufferable idjit.

I made a remark.

Ariel asked, "If one of you gentlemen wouldn't mind giving up your coat for Tiffany?"

I froze. Smacked myself in my head. Idiot. Idiot. I wished to bang my head against the wall. I did not only not deserve a coat, being as stupid as I was, I did not want to take a coat from someone else.

All three guys started to pull off their coats. Jon got there first.

I heavily protested. And succeeded. I went back to freezing. But the awkward moment was over. I shall never again say that I am cold.

Never.

Even if I am going to freeze to death.

Got to go. My sis is throwing up.

"This is the end of keeping it in, They'll all know how I feel, This is the end of rotting away, I know how I feel"

Not much time to post.

I'm going to give up my privacy tomorrow. If I had enough time I'd do it today. Actually I may not have enough time tomorrow. I shall suck up my nervousness. I shall announce to the lunch table that I have a blog, and post up my poems on fictionpress.net with a link from here.

I will also tell Heather.

Long day today. Sectionals were horrible. Give me a second to rant about our teacher.

He can't accept that we all suck. He thinks anyone who isn't a first does not know how to play the clarinet. He can't tell when something is in tune. He talks in this annoying tone of voice. He reminds me of Mr. Rogers. I do not like Mr. Rogers. He makes me feel like running out of the practice room and screaming.

Okay I think I'm done.

Off to eat chicken.

I have a career speech that I have to give. The typical 'me' thing to do would be to give a report on veterinarians, considering I know all from the many interviews and other intricate things that I have gained knowledge over my many years of what I like to call 'boring, stuffy, common sense classes.' I like using quotes. It makes me feel smarter.

I believe I shall now discuss Ryo's inability to believe that he is indeed intelligent. Which I am only doing because I know that he will, in fact, read this. He is a starter on the Quiz Bowl team. Automatically smart. He was smart enough to take Honors English. He knows more than I will ever about computers.

K, done.

"Sometimes I don't know why we'd rather live than die, we look up towards the sky for answers to our lives."

Nothing special today. Simply droning on.

I suppose QuizBowl at seven in the morning counts. It was horrible. I don't even remember half of it. Monday's are usually the days that I'm a grouch for the first two periods. I did manage a few questions, and would have gotten a few more if I did not have to stop and prod my brain to say buzz.

Other than that the day was normal.

I now must decide if I wish to take Hon. Physics and AP Chem or Bio next year. See I wish to take all three and I also have to fit in AP Calc. Which means I will have two AP classes at least in the same year. Fun. However, if I do AP Chem my junior year and Honors Physics, I can kick my Biology II Genetics class and Study Hall to my senior year to help with the double AP stuff.

This does not all fit itself nicely into my brain. Two years of intense work. But if I test out it may make college slightly cheaper, which would be extremely helpful. As it is I'm looking at my mom and I working all through my college years so that I won't have student loans.

Ok, getting depressed.

I think I'm getting.....I don't want to say friendlier because I'm always friendly. More social I guess. People talk to me. They aren't terrified. Which is nice. There are loads more scarier people at school. I know because they scare me.

Getting depressed more. I'm going to go do something else uninteresting in my incredibly boring adventure of life.

"I'll be fixated on one star when the world is crashing down"

I've been in a very contemplative mode all day. Thinking deeply on little things.

I wonder how dreams work. Sometimes my dreams are so strange, almost real. Othertimes they seem to take a form that I don't want them to take. Granted, I don't have nightmares, but I often wish to wake up. A few times I have realized that I was in a dream, which is above all the strangest feeling. Am I dreaming that I know it's a dream? Am I mentally able to be that observant and analytical in a dream.

I find it even more difficult to comprehend other people's dreams. Do they dream the same way I do? By what I hear and tell they do, yet without being in their mind I would never actually know. I could be entirely different from everyone in how I think. My brain could have mutations. I could be exactly the same. There could be someone who thinks the exact same way I do.

Then I thought about memory. It seems so natural to "remember" things. But the truth is, once I have lived them, they become more like a movie of my life. Things I can look at, but I can hardly feel the same way again. And I know that in five minutes this moment will be a memory filed away like all the rest.

And I wonder if it isn't all a game. If life is real.

I tell myself stories. I think everyone does. To put yourself in a different life where everything is perfect, and any imperfections to make that world exciting are still perfectly planned out to every detail. It's a way to escape life. To escape reality for a few minutes. To make it all better. Then again, maybe I'm the only one.

And we're all in this world together, trying to figure out why we shouldn't just kill each other.

"Sometimes I think I'll die alone, live and breathe and die alone."

Here I am, posting. I don't know why. I really have nothing to say. I have my nails half painted black. I'm halfway through a book. Yet I stopped to post. I had the sudden urge.

I'm not sure anything interesting happened. School, blah blah blah. Oh, I ate lunch for the first time this week. Afterwards I fell off a chair in Algebra 2 when Josh did this weird thing on my arm with his hand. It was meant to be a "sexual" joke. Except I don't like being touched. I really dislike hugs. I refuse all lap dances from Josh.

It's not that I dislike being touched, it's more like I'm afraid. I usually flinch, or tense, or fall off something trying to get away. Yeah.

I did my speech today. Me being nervous, I spoke way to fast, fidgeted, and said um and uhh a lot. And played with my hair. Which I was recommended to "get out of my face." Grr...

Yeah, I'm going to go back to painting my nails now. My brain must be breaking down.

Breaking down. Pull to the depths. Scream out loud. No one can hear.

"Someone save my soul tonight, please save my soul."

Ok, pet peeve ranting time. Don't you all enjoy it.

I was stealing Jon's seat in Algebra to annoy him, as always, and Rachel told me to "quit flirting." I can not count how many times people think that when I joke around with a guy it's automatically because I'm flirting. But I brushed Rachel off and said that I wasn't flirting.

Only to sit down and have Jaki tell me that Jon liked someone else. Once again, not flirting. Don't really care who Jon likes. And I told her as much. I don't understand why I can't joke around with a guy and it be innocent with no thoughts of getting together with him. Besides the fact that Jon would be one of the last people I would consider flirting with.

It's like that with any guy I try to be friends with. I've been asked why I flirt with Josh. Hello! Not flirting. Asked about Ryo. Asked about numerous other guy friends at the school. Asked about my friend in fourth grade. A guy on the bus in fifth. And even my cousin. Eww. That one's gross. It's like people think I'm so desperate to get a guy that anytime I'm talking with one I have to be flirting.

Notice to all those insane people: I rarely flirt. When I do, it's outside of school with guys I really don't know. I flirt with waiters and the guys at Hot Topic when I go there. Otherwise, I don't flirt. And if a guy is one of my friends, I usually don't consider him someone to flirt with. I don't flirt with any guy that I've known longer than a week.

I hate that I had to use flirt so much. It bugs me when there is such repitition in my insane babbling.

In other news, I forgot my Music Theory homework, my speech outline again, and various other small things.

Hair pulling time.

Today I spent an entire Chemistry period in a group with Russell. Now, while I have heard much about Russell through other people, I have not actually had any contact with him. I must say, some things I found annoying. Like the fact that he felt the need to spit out a random fact that we all already knew and then ask us if we knew that.

I also had the slight moment of shortness. Russell is quite tall. Andrew is quite tall. Both had to bend slightly to see the line of the gas-collection tube. Ryo was just the right right. I, of course, had to stand on my tip toes. Grr....tall people.

My stupid sneeze. I have this funny high pitched sneeze that everyone feels the need to laugh at or call "cute." Sneezes can not be cute! So when I sneezed in Spanish, Krista started laughing. Apparently she still remembers it from English last semester. Lovely. She said I sounded like a Pokemon.

Any other sneezes today were desperately held in. I'm proud to say that I didn't sneeze anymore and hope that I never will again.

"So deep that I didn't even scream. I'll be just fine, pretending I'm not"

Well, this is fun. I was just made to watch another "chick flick" by my mom. Granted, I do like some, and I must say that some romance movies are awesome. Still, it depresses me when they are about teenagers.

The odd one out. The one who isn't popular. The klutz. Yet they still get swept off their feet and fall in love. Which is entirely unrealistic. Especially the falling in love part. If you notice, any sequels have the same character fall in "love" again with a different person. The last boyfriend/girlfriend is explained away and never heard from again.

I'm insanely jealous.

Honestly though, how many people think that they will find true love in high school, or for that matter, ever? It is an idea that has been put up high on a pedestal. That is everyone's purpose in life, to find love and reproduce.

So what happens if you don't?

Though I must say, if I'm in my mid-thirties and without a kid, I shall go get knocked up. Can't be that hard.

Yes, more sad pitiful, pathetic posts. Once again, I shall blame it on teenage hormones. Everyone else does. I'm apparently not capable of having a thought completely on my own. They're all driven. My mom is now sick. Ahhh...sweet revenge. My family is always horrible to me when I'm sick. At least Charlie wasn't there. He spends the time trying to make me cry. Which usually more results in screaming and yelling. I want to tell him that hello, I'm not my little sister, I bite back.

Although I find biting to be disgusting. Though I suppose if it was more sexual it'd be okay. But I used to get in fights when I was younger and they would bite me. Who bites? Totally weird...

Hey, I used the word sexual. Strange. Not me. Must be the hormones.

Which in itself contains another problem.

I plan to stay a virgin. At least till I'm out of high school. Preferably till after or near the end of college. Which automatically cuts the male population available in half. Because I am stubborn and refuse to conform.

Not that I need a guy right now. Like I said, who really expects to fall in love in high school and keep it? Still, it's interesting. I would like to at least get used to having a boyfriend, so it wouldn't be so weird when I become older. Practice.

Not that I haven't had guys ask me. I just haven't been interested in any of them. Well, I didn't actually even know half of them.

Grr.........this is strange for me. I sound like such a.....girl. Worrying over boys. See! Chick flicks are evil!

I must end this post on something less frivolous.

Tomorrow is school. Oh, dread. Sulk and brood. I think it shall be the death of me. Not by suicide, but by slowly being crushed. Or run over by another overly tall but overly eager freshman. I feel short. Yet I know that there are plenty shorter than I. It is just disconcerting to see everyone towering over you in the more crowded hallways.

There. That was more depressingly serious. More me. I have come back from the realm of the normal teenager.

Hopefully no one will ever take me seriously. I joke too much. I should pull out my Halloween makeup stash and make it look as if I do cut. That would be funny.

I was asked if I've ever thought about suicide. I said yes. Who really hasn't? I imagine we all have, even the perfect pretty princesses who have everything go right for them. I've thought about cutting my wrists till I bled to death. Stepping in front of a car. Jumping off the edge of a cliff into the water. But then I'm pulled back. I have things to accomplish. I do not wish to be a waste. If I were to kill myself I would want my death to mean something. My life is not horrible enough for me to want to end it. I believe that if I were to kill myself I would not go to heaven. All these things remind me. And then I smile and step back. Back from the knife, the car, the edge. My life is fine the way it is. It could be happier, but that doesn't mean I'm not happy.

Because I am.

Happy.

"This broken city sky like butane on my skin"

Ok, I lied. I said that I would play around with this blog, but I have yet to actually do so.

I watched Red Eye today. My family rented it. I thought it was going to be a horror film but it turned out that it leaned more towards the suspense genre. So I must continue my long journey to find a movie that will actually give me the chills and scare me. I have been having quite a hard time. I do not seem to be grossed out by gore, and the only thing that makes me jump are loud, sudden noises. Still, I shall proceed with my quest.

I have yet to touch my homework this weekend. I simply have not had time. Though I might have woken up slightly earlier this morning. Noon seems to be unacceptable for most people. However, I am not as far behind in Chemistry as I first percieved. I must finish a worksheet, and a lab by Monday. Then I shall take a quiz, do a discovery, and a worksheet and I will be completely caught up. Nevermind, that's sounds like a lot more than I originally thought. Depressing.

Heather read my poetry book. The new one that I have been transferring all my slightly less embarrassingly awful poems to. She didn't comment on them, though at first she asked if it was a diary. I was taken aback. Would people think that if I started to carry it around on a daily basis? Ari has already decided to try and get her hands on it. I don't think I could ever keep a diary. Too many secrets out in the open. In a blog I can at least hide behind all my daily activities. I don't feel the need to write all that I think.

Writing calms me. At least when it comes to poetry. Even though my main reason for despising English is writing, poetry seems to hold a different effect over me. It's not something I can easily explain. Poetry gives me a chance to say everything I want to and not have it mean anything. And have it mean everything. It can follow a rhythm, so that it flows like music. I can have a song pounding through my head and find that my poems contain the same pattern.

Both Ari and Ryo have asked me if I wish to have a link. Considering that they are the only two that I think even have the notion of this blog, it is another step. I know for a fact that if Ryo were to put a link on his page plenty of people would know.

I haven't told Heather. I don't know why. She's my best friend. I tell her almost everything. Excluding what I tell no one. I should tell Heather. She won't think it's a big deal. It isn't really. I feel almost strange, like I am following a fad by keeping a blog. Which isn't something I would normally do. I like to step out, and I hate following. Though I also hold leading in contempt. I'm happy being invisible, but I wish for someone to notice.

The mind of a teenage girl is very conflicting.

Or insane. I have yet to be able to distinguish which it is.

So now I shall float by, eyes down, far from the sky, wishing for something more.

"Don't make it look so pretty burning"

Grr... I'm sick. I can't think clearly, which is bad considering the mound of homework. I get extremely lightheaded every time I stand. I have a feeling that's not good. So I am at home currently, doing loads of sleeping and popping aspirin. If chewing can be considered popping.

Even though I am probably going to overdose on aspirin, I still have managed to keep an enormous headache. Here I thought aspirin was supposed to get rid of things like that. At least my stomach feels better. Yesterday it felt like someone had shot me in it. And of course the nurse was sick. So I got to wait for fifteen minutes clutching my stomach in pain while other students wanting to get out of class buzzed around. One tried to up her temperature with a heating pad. And as if I wanted to be there the guidance lady asked me if I wanted to go home.
I wanted to reply that no I didn't want to go home, I wanted to stay in class, be nauseous, and frantically try to rip out my stomach.

I dislike being sick. I've gone to the nurse three times in my life. Once a teacher made me. Last year I turned deathly white and became I guess what you could call faint. I think I should have looked in the mirror while I could. I'm so naturally dark it puzzles me to think what I would look like if I were really pale.

So here I am, rambling about nothing. I think the insanity is a side effect of the aspirin. I hope. My mom told me I still have to wash dishes today, and give the dog a bath. I hope to duck out of giving the dog a bath, at least.

I've been lighting and blowing out candles all day. My trusty lighter has been stolen from my desk and I believe my mother may have been the one to do it. Which means she is smoking again. I know she's been stealing cigarettes from my brother. I must stop this. I made her quit smoking months ago, but I allowed her one at Thanksgiving for obvious reasons. Now she is back on them. At least she isn't buying her own. I told her at very least we couldn't afford that.

I must switch over my poems today. I had been keeping them in a inconspicous black notebook, how cliche, but Mary, my sister-in-law, gave me a small, cool looking blank book thing that I have slowly been moving them to. I must completely move them soon; I haven't been carrying either with me to school, and my mind has bursting to get out.

Oh. I have not said anything about the weekend. I have not, indeed, met Jordan. Things got screwed up and he pulled out. Much dancing for me. Although DJ and Heather are now more stubborn than ever.

I also was almost sliced open by flying cds and video cassettes. Heather's dad got extremely pissed with his tv and threw them everywhere. Talk about terrifying. I imagine my eyes were bigger than plates.

Ah ha! I have found my lighter. It is in the drawer. Now who would go and put it in a silly place like that? I now must go find a candle to stick in my room. It smells stuffy.

"I'm melting in your eyes like my first time that I caught fire."

Hello people in this new place. That's right. I have decided to grow a spine. All previous posts here were from my MySpace blog. I have moved where people can see me. And it's terrifying. But I shall push through.

Let me explain a few things. I use lyrics for my titles from numerous bands. I'm still working on this blog so it may change style often. Time to put my rusty HTML skills back to work.

I won't pretend that this is all of what I think or this defines me. To know me it actually involves talking. Though you might find out some things here that you couldn't find out otherwise.

My fascination with fire is what the topic is today. People call me a pyromaniac, and I take it. I do tend to play with fire and burn things, though never recklessly. It's interesting to watch and I enjoy watching the effects. Although this, by definition, does not make me a pyromaniac. I do not need to burn things. It does not give me a release that I can't live without. And just because I have a lighter in my purse is does not mean I'm an arsonist.

Fire itself I find slightly overrated and at the same time underestimated. People say fire was the greatest invention, yet we do not use it that often. I believe heat is more important than fire.

Still I am drawn to it. Lighting candles is my favorite activity. Even since I burned my finger.

I have painted my nails black again. Why? Not to be stereotypical certainly. Actually I find out of the three nail polishes taht I own, it is the thickest and stays on the longest. It also tastes nasty. Hence, the logical conclusion, I'm trying to get rid of my nailbiting habit. Though I'm not half as bad as the people who bite them until they bleed. I shudder at the thought.

I find myself to be idiotic today. I found that I'm able to plug my speakers into my mp3 player and play music. My mom said that it would work, and I, doubting her knowledge of anything electronical, didn't listen. But I tried it. And she's right. My mom is the person who has difficulty using self-checkouts and has broken many, though she's getting better.

Now I must go to play with my HTML and maybe refresh some knowledge.

"And I'll keep making more just to prove that I adore every inch of sanity"

Ryo has requested that I share any cyberspace that I own. I'm terrified. I do not know how he will react to my polite no. If I were to tell him I would have to tell Ari and soon everyone would know and read all this.

Everything. Ryo has his own blog and personally I don't know how he posts knowing that others will read it.
I know the first thing he will say. MySpace? Yes, this is a cheap place to post a blog, and while I have considered moving it, I haven't. I don't know why. Yet somewhat I do. I know that here no one reads it, and that it can stay secret. Someone like Ryo might stumble across it somewhere else.

Back to my other dry pieces in my life.

I saw Narnia. Joy. It was actually better than I expected, not that my expectations were high.

I have found a new love for poker. Considering I kicked my brother's butt.

I said ass in front of my mom. I have never cussed in front of her before. She doesn't know I'm capable. If she does she says nothing. I slipped up, I admit it. We were joking around like friends and I slipped. She kept saying it, so I fell in step. I don't know if she noticed or not. But she didn't say anything. She almost called me a bitch the other day, because I stole the covers from the couch. She says it's because she was also joking with me like a friend, though they were two completely unrelated incidents.

I don't know what to make of this development.

I do know that my Dad calling Christmas Eve scared the hell out of me. Especially when Heather tried to give me the phone. I refused. I don't wish to patch things up. I don't wish to have a pot-smoking, doesn't care, father. My mom and I both agreed: He only called because someone else in the family said something.

Which is a sad thought within itself. But I tell myself I don't care anymore because I don't like getting hurt. And if I care I will be. Because that's who my father is. He has tried to change and failed. And now he wishes to change no longer. He must be the one to accept the inevitable.

He will never get his daughter back.

And I am much happier this way. There is a lot less stress. I had begun to realize while my father was still living with us, that I was already beginning to hate who he was, and the things he said and did. He just proved me right.
And broke my heart in the process.

"And after seeing what we saw, can we still reclaim our innocence" - My Chemical Romance Skylines and Turnstiles