"You're gone away. I'm left alone. A part of me is gone, and I'm not moving on, so wait for me. I know the day will come...I'll meet you there."

So in about an hour I'm off to another Quiz Bowl practice.
Then tomorrow I venture out into the unknown. Washington, D.C.

I have many plans for the D.C. trip, part of which I cannot say on here. I don't think Zach comes anywhere near my blog, but to be safe I will not say anymore than the fact that he will be playing a part in my fun.

Unfortunately, my fake spider plans for Mike have been ruined. I cannot seem to get on my hands on a good fake spider.

My cat chirps like a bird. Angel, the fat cat, that is. She is currently sitting on my windowsill talking to the birds. And maybe the squirrels. Strange.

She spent the entire night sleeping on my suitcase. Shadow was cuddled next to me in bed. We might have a serious problem with the fact that I'm leaving for so long. My animals are very attached. I know the dog will be sad, but then again, she gets depressed when I leave for a weekend.

Speaking of animals, I have manipulated my mother once more. A sad, cutesy, Disney movie with puppies and a few encouraging words. I'm quite sneaky.

I'm getting a puppy/kitten. Actually, technically I should say my sister is getting a puppy/kitten, but we said that with the last cat and he ended up still liking me better. What can I say? Animals love me.

Let's just hope my mom doesn't have too much time to think about it while I'm gone. Plus, I have to hide anything in my room that I don't want moved. And I'm changing my password for everything so she doesn't get too curious and find this blog. Not that it would matter too much. She would just worry that some guy was going to come to my house and rape me because I own a blog.

Granted, while that may happen to some people, I'm not that stupid. So far my only stalker is Fluffy(a.k.a. Ryo). And I think he could find me without my blog. Considering he knows where I live and stuff.

Note for all people who are not used to my weirdness: Ryo is not actually stalking me; he only seems to be in way too many of my classes.

"Black is the kiss, the touch of the serpent son. It ain't the mark or the scar that makes you one."

It is past midnight.

This simple fact drives me to post for some reason. I don't believe I've made a post this late at night and it thrills me to think that I may somehow reveal some difference in my thoughts. Coherent or not.

Quiz Bowl practice today frustrated me. If I knew the answer, I didn't buzz. The one that irritated me the most was the Norman Mailer question. Let me put this simply: I am a horrible guesser. I knew nothing about the question, so I formed a guess in my mind. I picked Norman Mailer. I saw him on television early this, err, last morning. I found his political views quite entertaining, especially when they were discussed with his son.

Anyway, so he was my random person pick. But, seeing as I'm a bad guesser, I didn't buzz. Needless to say, my bad luck at life continues. A one in a million chance and for the first time I decide not to blurt out my stupid guess. Which at this question, happens to be right. Now if it were at least an educated guess I wouldn't have cared as much. But it wasn't. I was going to throw out a name.
And if I wasn't such an idiot, I might have actually gotten a question right other than the questions I sniped off the other team.

And on Wednesday it will happen again. And I will probably captain a side. Again. And I will suck at captaining. Again. Because Mrs. Schneider seems to have this fascination with making me captain the non-starter people. Which terrifies me. I can't even properly play in an actual match. I get too nervous. I know the answers when I'm sitting down, but as soon as I get a buzzer in my hand I start to shake and my mind erases any knowledge from my mind.

In other news, all I have eaten in the past two days is stuffed crust pizza from Pizza Hut. I feel oh so healthy. Actually, it's quite good. I'll probably have some more for breakfast/lunch today.

I think I've written enough and you all should probably just try to ignore my insane night ramblings. I think I shall go back into my dark world of the internet now.

"I can feel my mind, wandering again."

My truck has a brand new battery. And battery terminals. And the screw in my tire is gone and plugged. I'm happy.

This also drags up a few unwanted memories. All I can think of when my brother is fixing my truck is that I'm so glad my father left.

Glad he's not here to say he'll do it. And put it off. Put my problems off. Put his daughter off.

I was once asked what I regretted most in life. It took me forever to answer that question. I came up with only one thing: being naive.

As intelligent and mature as I was as a child, I believed people could do now wrong. In my eyes, everyone was nice and caring.

It took me a while to grow up. To realize that people usually have their own best interests at heart. I've become tired of people who are jerks and have no feelings for anyone else.

For instance, lately I've been playing Runescape. Yes, I know it's addictive and evil. However, it's somewhat of a mindless game, which is exactly what I need to keep me from going insane during the summer. It passes time without me noticing and thinking, therefore preserving my brain.

Anyways, I've met all sorts of people on Runescape. Ranging from jerks to nice people to guys stalking me trying to get me to be their girlfriend. I'm usually the quiet observer. I don't say anything unless talked to first. I'm courteous to everyone and I help anyone who asks me. In return I get people heckling me, calling me a noob, trying to scam me, and no one ever willing to give help when I need it.

Granted, I do see a few nice people, one guy tried to give me free stuff. I refused, because I'm stubborn and want to do everything by myself. Of course, now I'm screwed because I need a friend to complete this one quest, but I'm working on that.

Back to my point. People are selfish evil beings. How do you be mean and rude to a person without having ever met them? Could the human race be any more judgemental?

Well, that's actually quite a stupid question to ask. I pride in the fact that I'm not prejudiced. I once thought that my generation was less assholish than the last group, which I suppose we are. Slightly.

Even now, I still see moments when I'm naive. I expect a person to be nice, only to find out they aren't. And it takes me a while. Then I yell at myself for being stupid. For automatically trusting a person. It's gotten me into a lot of trouble.

For that reason, I don't consider myself a good judge of character. I block out the bad things a lot of the time, or I don't even see them.

I didn't even see that I was already beginning to hate my father before he left. It took me weeks afterward to realize it.

I'm so unobservant to my own feelings. I seem to always shut them up and I can never tell which one is poking out. It's difficult to express your emotions when you don't even know what they're saying.

I can't think of the last time I cried in front of someone non-family. I think it was around the fourth grade. I don't like crying. It makes me sad.

"I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show"

My two nieces, Katie and Kirsten are visiting. This is good. I haven't seen them in a year. They're really sweet kids.

I always find kids and animals to be more comforting than adults or teenagers. They never have alterior motives, and if they do, it's more along the lines of candy or food. I suppose I cherish innocence because it's something you lose as you grow up.

I broke a string on my guitar. Unfortunately, I won't be getting a new one for a while. So for now I'm without a high E. May I say that the things really hurt when they do break. Painful.

So in a couple days or so I'll be leaving for Washington D.C.

Change of plans, I have four kids on a couch to watch as my brother picks up the stuff needed to fix my truck. Have to make sure they don't kill each other. I'll try to post tonight when all the kiddies are asleep.

"We walk this path as one, take on the world tonight"

School's over.

It's almost as if the shock hasn't settled in yet. That might be because it only ended thirty minutes ago, but....oh well.

Terrell basically kicked us out of her room, so for fifth period I basically had lunch. I was asked to see an explosion outside by a teacher. Unfortunately, the pot did not explode. However, it did melt and since it was ceramic, that was cool.

C Lunch I hung out with Sara, a freshman I know from Spell Bowl. That was fun except for the picture taking.

Now, I shall leave. I am way too hyper to type anything coherently interesting and I do not wish to sound like a ditz.

That would be bad.

"And now I'm convinced on the inside that something's wrong with me."

Ok, quick post. As in really quick. I have yet to study for my Spanish and Chemistry final. I have an hour to do that. Fun. I'm an idiot.

Aced my Music Theory test. That was quite funny.

Today was lonely, except for Heather. I spent a minimal amount of time with everyone else, and they seemed to be sulking in the gutters of life. Losers. Be happy.

Anyways, the weekend was eventful. Went to the mall twice, got new shoes and a shirt. Walked the trails with my dog, the battery in my truck died, and everyone blamed me. It seemed as if I was left out of the groups that were formed that day. Ostracized and left with my sister and my dog.

Then again, that's how it usually is. I'm always the odd one out. The quiet person in the corner secretly embarrassed that they have no one to talk to.

But life continues.

Always. No matter how important we think our troubles may be, they never are important. Just miniscule factors that don't affect the world even slightly.

Unless we become suicide bombers. Then everyone seems to care.

"And as we lie beneath the stars, we realize how small we are. If they could love like you and me, imagine what the world could be."

"If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody died
When nobody died..."

Here is my post. Started finals today. They weren't so bad. What I really hated was lunch. Sitting with Heather, Alex, and people I didn't know. Sitting there quietly, listening to others ramble on. Others live their lives. As I'm watching them pass by.

Challenges arise. I must get through summer school. Life's reaching its breaking point.

I'm off now to go play some mindless video game for exactly that reason. It keeps my mind off of the world outside of my own. The one dangerous and painful, but sweet and tender at the same time.

How ironic.

"We compromise our hearts to keep them satisfied The shadows of our past, hard to ignore but judgment means nothing."

Perhaps I shouldn't listen to my music so loud.

I've begun thinking about this not because of the constant argument of me going deaf, rather that people are noticing me too much.

Apparently blasting music in the hallways make you suddenly famous. Or at least interesting enough for all the gossiping, shallow people who have nothing better to do with their lives.

I can't think of anything to really say. My day was quite empty.

My chemistry notes have disappeared into oblivion.

Lovely.

"These eyes have had too much to drink again tonight. Black skies, we'll douse ourselves in high explosive light."

Ok, so Saturday was the QuizBowl meet. I actually had fun. I talked to Ryo most of the time, let a few things slip that I shouldn't have, and in general was in a happy mood.

Where has the year gone? Finals start this week. School ends next. Friends disappear into different classes. New ones appear in odd places. Change.

Change. Such emotion conveyed in such a small word. Change scares me because it's not always for the best.

If I truly think about it, I'm scared of way too many things. Not the material ones, the more abstract fears.

Summer school will speed the way through to my junior year. High school is too short. I'm not prepared for college yet.

There was an interesting discussion on destiny the other day in English. Most people agree that we have a predestined path, it's just the choices we make that are different. Still, if the end is predetermined, then that means that the small things that make the end must be also.

Strange.

Ok, wow. So I typed this up so far on SUnday, but my brother came over and we played poker, so I saved it as a draft. Now, it's Monday. I'm back from the QuizBowl party. That was fun. I enjoyed it.

Strange.

"I've still got something to say here, I will bear my heart to expose my soul."

I wore a hat today. It seems like such a simple thing. It is the only hat I own. It is indescribable, but I will try. It is fashioned slightly like a jester's hat, with black and red patterns and sparkles.

It's my crazy hat.

I like it.

Apparently, so do the other fifteen people that asked to have/stole it from me.

Not to mention I was subjected to the constant random playing with the balls on the end of the outward shoots.

Otherwise, my day was entertaining. Only somewhat, now that I think about it. QuizBowl was mostly spent with everyone ranting about Henderson, a teacher. Not that I have any problem with that, but as I'm the only who didn't know her, it left me slightly ostracized.

My mother had to go to the doctor's today. She has high blood pressure. According to the doctor, she was under a lot of stress and if she continues to try to subject herself to enormous amounts of stress, she could have a heart attack.

This frightens me. My mother is getting old. It makes me realize how soon time will pass by. Next year she will be fifty. Her mother is still alive. But by the time I'm fifty, will she be alive? I've yet to think about what will happen to me if my mother dies in the future. I ignore the possibility, though it is inevitable. Perhaps, when that time comes I will be in a better frame of mind. Hopefully.

Hmmm, my week. Band concert. Annoyed Ryo. That was fun.

Oh, how could I forget.

Almost killed myself by wearing stillettos. I wonder if that is indeed how you spell stillettos. Ok, so I might be exaggerating about the dying part. But I basically limped in the things on and off stage. According to my best friend's boyfriend, that's exactly what it looked like. Lovely.

I bombed my speech. Completely. Yet, I still got an A. Which I entirely don't understand. People who obviously did better than me got Cs and Ds. All I got was a "very" confident.

Because shaking counts as confidence these days.

Speaking of shaking, I have my band final somewhere around Monday. Once again, lovely.

A people aspect. I know the ranting about this kid has been done on every blog, but I promise after this I will stop. Russell just seems to get on my nerves a lot as of lately. First of all, he keeps talking to me.

Note to unknown readers.
If I don't talk to you:

a. I don't know you.
b. I don't like you.

If you have talked to me so that I know you and I still don't strike up conversation:

a. I really don't like you.
b. I'm currently spacing out.

If you ignore the whole spacing out thing, it's obvious when I don't like a person. I have no qualms with telling a person what I don't like about them. They are usually good reasons. The people I talk to generally have good things that outweigh the few bad. At least in my eyes.

Russell does not seem to see this.

And I swear, everytime the guy opens his mouth, it's as if he's trying to push himself further up my I Don't Like You list.

And succeeding.

Ok, I'm done. Have a nice night. Goodbye. Sweet dreams. I hate you all.

Not really. I just felt too corny. Needed to enter some hate for humanity in there.

Teehee.

"And I can feel my heart beat racin'. As I realize what I must do. Get away from you."

Time is so very relative. I could spend my time on a video game and hours pass. I could spend a similar amount of time contemplating life. Time travels so slowly then. Granted, time isn't the one traveling I suppose. Technically it would be our bodies moving through time.

I wonder if it is the result of some chemistry in the brain that causes such differences in concept of time. Certain classes speed away, yet others drag on forever.

My mom will be home at six. It is now 5:34. But will it seem to be a half hour away or more? Probably less, seeing how I'm typing on this blog. Time always seems to move so quickly then.

My poems recieved three little review things on fictionpress.net. One said it's obvious I have talent. This is strange. I don't ever think I have talent. I don't believe I have talent. Talent is a strange word. It exudes that you aren't trying purposefully.

Ari tried to read my poems out of my book. Strangely, I didn't want her to read them. I think it partly has to do with the fact that there was an unfinished poem in the back. I desperately hate people to read things I haven't finished. It makes me feel as if they haven't fully been expressed and explained, so one might take them the wrong way.

Now, I must leave as my mum will be home soon, though how soon I don't know, and I am also typing with a peculiar pain in my right ring finger. It's quite irritating when I type with it.

All in all, I had a good day at school. The first one in a while. I enjoyed it. I smiled more. I like smiling.

"I know you feel alone yeah and no one else can figure you out
But don't you ever turn away from the ones that help you down
Well they'd love to save you don't you know they love to see you smile
But these colors that you've shined are surely not your style" Crossfade - Colors

"You had time to waste and I'm not sorry, such a basket case, hide the cutlery.I had time to kill, it's dead and buried."

Bad me. Very bad me. I haven't posted in forever. And it has been eating at me. All the things I've wanted to post, but not had the time. As I type, my mom tells me to take the dog out. Hang on a second, I'll be right back.

And I've somewhat been feeling my blog has gone to crap. Where are the carefree, contemplating posts? They seem to have disappeared and left whiny comments about my day. Left me feeling like an average teenage girl, spilling her guts out to a diary. Which isn't what I want this to be. Yes, I want it to be a place for my thoughts, but I also want it to be a place where people see things that they don't perceive at school. The trace thoughts that I don't tell them.

So let me try some more. Sorry if this post is extra long. Maybe it will make up for the lack of venting I've dealt with over the week.

My third poem was accepted for an anthology. That's three out of three. When I'm done posting this I will type up the many poems that aren't on my fictionpress.net account.

I cut my hair today. Don't worry, it's not shockingly short. I only cut about two inches off. It's more wavy now though. I'm sounding too girly. New subject.

Friday we played everyone's project in Music Theory. Everyone had to write a new song or transcribe an old one. I chose to write one, being as I'm tone deaf.

I think it came out, well not horrible, just ok. It wasn't what I wanted. I asked Koleszar if I could do a guitar/piano accompaniment. It sounded like two pianos. The class apparently like it though. Or they could be lying as to not hurt my feelings. I think it was the latter. I imagine I did look slightly pathetic. My knees pulled up to my chest with my head resting on them as my song played. My hair hiding my blushing face and scared eyes. Who would say that it sucked then?

Thursday was....eventful. First period consisted of me dealing with the speech teacher who still can't use the smart board and also helping a classmate with the computer. Fourth period, English, was the next stressing item. Or I suppose not stressing. I just feel so empty in the class. Like a shell. And I always feel that everything coming out of my mouth is so know-it-allish. That bugs me. I try not to speak in that class.

On Wednesday, I had to show the class my Tale of Two Cities project. I was supposed to pick five chapters and stick songs for them. Then play the songs for the class. At least, that's what I thought. Turns out I had to present them too. So I said a few words, played a snippet of a song. Not too bad, right? I tried to look at them before the first song. Everyone was looking at me. Figures. So I stared at my paper. Then started the song. Each time the music played, my head was up at the ceiling, or down at my feet. I was never more glad to have such long hair. I did as Ryo suggests to me so often as being cool and hid behind it.

I hate presentations. They leave you feeling so open. Where I'm most vulnerable.

Technically, so far I have left out the two major collisions of my week. One of which was the main subject of the bad day of Thursday. Josh seems to have established it suddenly in his brain that I was staring at Ryo in Band. Of which my first reaction is something along the lines of huh? How did I even have time to "stare" at him. Between talking to him between spurts of playing and the actual playing the only thing I looked at was his head because it was in the way of Koleszar's conducting. No offense, Ryo. You don't have a big head. It was just in the wrong spot that day.

So somehow the entire lunch table delved into the subject. Accusing me of liking Ryo and making smart comments. Not in the smart as in intelligent comments, more along the line of smart ass comments. I wasn't thrilled. I've always hated it when anyone trys to pry into my thoughts on guys. Any guys. I prefer to keep them to myself. Then, there are no fiascos to deal with. I've seen too many problems with advertising which guys you like. It hurts feelings, it creates openings for hurt feelings, it rarely leads to anything. It more often leads to extensive problems.

So, beware people. Anyone I like is none of your business until I decide to declare that I like him. The only one I tell anything to is Heather and that's because I have enough blackmail and threats on her to keep her shut up.

At least I hope.

Plus, I'm a immensely private person when it comes to intimate feelings. Partially because I'm an idiot when it comes to guys. I don't know why. It just always ends up with me becoming enlightened that the person I saw is only on the outside, and they are really assholes.

So I've made a new rule. Get to know the guy really well first. If only I weren't so damn shy about everything.

That's the real root of all my problems. I'm shy. I can't express anything to anyone without the thought of rejection. Fear stops me from saying what I really want to say.

The other event was my truck. Yes, you all probably know what happened. Buttons somehow were accidently pushed. My truck thought my mom was stealing it and locked it up so you couldn't turn over the starter.

Thanks to the brilliance of two women a.k.a. me and my mum, not the neighbor and my brother, my truck is now back to running beautifully.

Oh, for a few days, we believed my father was in Pennsylvania. Me. Ecstatic much? Of course. Then it all came crashing today. Apparently the Harley Davidson repossesion people were wrong. His work's headquarters are in Pennsylvania. But my grandmother says he's still here.

Damn. Ruined my week.

Hopefully I can begin fresh this week. Fresh posts, fresh feelings, fresh thoughts.

Fresh music. It'll be up in a minute.

"I tried to be perfect, but nothing was worth it. I don't believe it makes me real. I thought it'd be easy, but no one believes me."

I said I'd talk about prejudice. But I realize this would stir up a lot of emotions for me. Besides the fact that I've almost positively have already ranted on discrimination and the other problems I have with this specific subject.

So instead we shall talk about something else.

My humiliation in Music Theory. No, nevermind. It wasn't that bad.

Hmm......

The wind is quite interesting. How does wind blow? If it is all particles, then how did it originally pick up speed? If you said that it happens by moving particles that would be leading back to the chaos theory. If you didn't believe the chaos theory how would you explain wind? How do they explain wind?

I have to give a speech on doctor-assisted suicide. I'm supposed to persuade the audience that it shouldn't be legalized. Considering, if it were legalized, it would be abused and eventually affect our lifespan, as old people would just be "Oh, I'm in pain! Kill me!" Or their money-grabbing descendents would be "Oh, you're old and costing too much money. Let's Kill him/her!"

Idiots. As if that wouldn't happen if it were legalized.

People abuse power. I'm pretty sure we all do, at least once in our lives.

I almost bit through my lip during Chemistry. Because of something as simple as a misspelling. I didn't want to say anything because the last time I did everyone kept, well almost, attacking me about it. Spelling is one of my pet peeves. Unfortunately, I do have some of those. Usually they are unnoticeable items, such as slow people in the hallways.

That's all for now, I suppose. I shall put up a new video in a second.