"I thought that being strong meant never losing your self-control"

Not much to say.

I recieved a kick in the rear and I am insanely grateful. I'm finally pushing myself onto my guitar more. Right now I'm teaching myself Green Day's Good Riddance (Time of Your Life). It's incredibly wasy, but it'll be good for me to start with.

Koleszar, my band teacher, says I wasn't that horrible on my playing test. I have no clue what tape he was listening to because it obviously wasn't mine. He said, as of sixth period today, I'm 3rd chair. Bleh. I hope someone beats me. I don't want to play first.

In other news, I think I'm getting slightly better at QuizBowl. I am answering an average of two questions a day, plus actually helping with the bonuses and crap. It makes my chest swell with pride.

Damn.

Pride is bad.

I'm terrified though. Saturday is a tournament where I will be playing all day.

Scary.

I gave a stupid speech today. Apparently I spoke very speedily. Not exactly a surprise.

Ryo made a comment to me in Band. He said that he thought people misinterpret me because of my loud music. It makes me wonder where this thought suddenly appeared from, as it is nothing new for me. People constantly decide who I am and what I am like before they even get to know me.

Honestly, I've got to be the easiest person to walk all over on Earth. I'm too afraid to hurt other people's feelings. In the halls, if someone stands in front of me, I don't push them. I stand there also, stupidly, waiting for them to move. I'm not that confrontational. I avoid fights and arguements.

But that's not how people see me. They take my loud music and blank stare and turn my persona into something nasty. They take my way of dress and try to form me into something they can wrap their mind around. Something I never wanted or want to be. I see people stare at me in the hallways and I want to stop and scream at them.

But I never do.

One of the reasons I listen to my music so loud is to block them out. Block out the insults, the petty remarks that my childish classmates feel the need to make. So that I don't have to feel alone. I don't have to feel like no one cares.

I won't fit into a pretty box. I refuse to conform. I will stand out however much I need to obtain what I truly am. Myself.

It still hurts though. It pains me. I almost feel a sharp jab, and I get depressed.

But this never gets out. Because if I admitted it I wouldn't be myself.

It would be admitting to weakness, to vulnerability. Which I can't do if I wish for people to not have the knowledge of how truly vulnerable I really am.

"So make the best of this test and don't ask why. It's not a question but a lesson learned in time. It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you have the time of your life."

"I tear my heart open, I sow myself shut My weakness is that I care too much"

Thanks for the comments...I think.

You people are strange. Just a fact. It's an effect of being a person.

Yeah, today is my monthly against humanity post.

Not really.

The three person team I was on today won second place at a Spelling Bee. Go us. However, we got sucky prizes. The third place people got a limo ride.

If I had known that we would have thrown a word.

My mom just gave me my mail. It was from the League of American Poets. About a month ago I entered three of my poems in three different competitions.
This one wanted to publish my poem. Apparently it was very creative. I liked the sentimental touch to the note. It was handwritten, not typed like everything else. Yay. I also got a review on one of my poems at fictionpress.net. Someone else likes my poems. Yay again.

Maybe they're not as horrible as I think.

It's nice to know I'm good at something.

Even if I have no clue how I do it.

"I lit my pain on fire and I watched it all burn down Now I'm dancing in the ashes and there's no one else around"

Ok, apparently I have more morals than any of my friends.

They all told me to lie to this guy and tell him I had a boyfriend.

Heather said it should be Jordan from Indy. Ryo suggested a Tom Weatherford from Kansas. Josh suggested I use Ryo. Josh shall have an infinitesimally long death.

I just told the guy I have a boyfriend. Because he sent me another mail thing. At least he upgraded somewhat. He said he thought I was beautiful. I don't like that very much, but it's better than "hott."

Today was like an out of body experience. I wasn't unhappy, but it seemed as if I wasn't completely there. It wasn't one of my thinking days either. The world just passed by me in a second and I didn't notice. It's like sitting there and meditating. Something I have never accomplished. Stray thoughts always pop up. But today they didn't. Today my mind was quiet.

Good. Maybe now I can get some sleep.

"No matter what I say, no matter what I write here, I'm sick of always looking at this page with a blank stare"

Only one thing to discuss today.

We went to Wal-Mart to pick up shoes for my little sister.

In the parking lot there was a man holding up a sign. I felt a tug on my heartstrings. I always do. I think of homeless people and it's almost as if they exude an aura that reaches out to me. That makes me want to give up everything I have.

People tell me that it's worthless to think that way. Homeless people deserve it. They'd just use the money for drugs or alcohol. A few bucks isn't going to dig them out of the hole.

But I never see that. I see someone standing. Someone who can't get a job because he has no home. Can't get a home because he has no job. Maybe with a family on the side that he's trying to feed.

On the way out I see him again, and I can feel my body physically tense as I wait for the car to go past him.

My mom stops the car. She digs out all the cash she has, about ten dollars in ones. She tells me to roll down the window and hand it to him. He thanks us and I just nod silently.

I love my mom.

"I'm burning in the heavens And I'm drowning in the hell My souls in a coma And none of my friends can tell"

Extremely weird slightly awkward.

I think I just got hit on.

Disturbing.

I checked my MySpace account after a month of ignoring it. Reason: I got a free Atreyu song and felt the need to make them my friend. I also responded to a post in the school "forum." It was on prejudice so I felt a drive to actually post.

The next day I checked to see if I had been accepted as a friend.

It was pending.

But I did have a friend request. It was from a guy at my bus stop in middle school. So I thought what the hell? I accepted him as a friend.

Haha. Can I kill my idiotic self yet?

I just read a mail thing from him asking if I remember him.

Of course I do, I have this amazing memory for people. I can tell you the name of my best friend in kindergarten and describe her.

It also asks if I'm single. And says he is.

He also called me "hott."

Uggh.

Not interested.

Never interested.

Not my type. Quite a bit more.......I'd say immature, but that describes most guys. This one just doesn't appeal to me. He doesn't listen to my music. He isn't that smart. He isn't cute, at least on my terms. He has no ambition that I know of. He uses chatspeak and can't type worth a damn. And he knows nothing about me. Except that I'm "hott." And he met me on the bus stop.

I have suddenly realized that my profile has a link to this blog.

Shit.

My day has been ruined. It was going great. I kicked butt at QuizBowl playing rock paper scissors. I beat Ryo, who had Mike's backing. Go me. And the team I picked won twice, despite Pfaff being on the other side.

Teehee. I'm happy again.

I now must go respond to this mail....

I don't know how to say this lightly.

Maybe that I'm single but too busy for a boyfriend? Tell him the truth? Wait till Thursday and ask some other guy what I should do?

Yeah, that sounds good.

Let's put it off like everything else I do in this life.

I only wish I could put life itself away for another day.

"Should I bite my tongue? Until blood soaks my shirt. We'll never fall apart. Tell me why this hurts so much."

Hum diddly dum. I'm very bored.

Tomorrow is school.

Bleh.

This weekend doesn't seem like it lasted very long.

Oh well.

And in noticing that I have not actually made a two-line sentence on this post yet, I feel as if I must accomplish something in this post. Whether it be to have an epiphany or confuse you all with the ramblings of my mind.

Apparently that happens a lot.

I've been told quite often, as of lately, that I would make a horrible tutor. I've been compared to Fuhe on the whole "tutoring" deal. That is apparently rather bad. I know that I've been at the very least not good at teaching people, but I never knew that I confused people more than anything else.

Heather says I just go too fast. And maybe I do. I tend to expect people to follow my logic, which, I suppose, is being critical. I speed through the steps and show them how to get there, but no one ever seems to. It is as if my mind travels on a different wavelength when it comes to explaining how to do something.

Explaining simple math that I can easily do in a few seconds eludes me. It takes ten times longer to explain how my brain arrived at the answer.

Now there is much sighing to be done. There goes the plan for Spanish tutoring for my community service.

Damn.

And it hurts as I sit here waiting.
For something to happen. Anything to happen.
Just knowing that I might not be strong enough to take it.
It'll pierce my heart and break it.

Into pieces.

"But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell I know right now you can't tell But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see a different side of me"

I have a truck!

Let me take a moment to dwell in my happiness.

I spent yesterday driving to Illinois. I am now the proud owner of a 1995 1500 Dodge Ram. It has a 5.9L, 360, 4WD, 8-cylinder, and while I know that all of that information means nothing to the few people who will read this, I am in heaven.

It is big, green, and shiny.

I have yet to name it, though I am seriously condsidering the name Mikey.

Yes, I know. I sound like a dork. But I have a truck. A pretty truck. And no one can bring me off the cloud I am currently floating on.

Hmm, news, news. I haven't updated in the past few days. Sorry, got caught up.

Ryo was my "secret admirer" that bought the can of pop. I must admit he was the last person I would ever expect to pull one over on me like that. Props to him. Not only did he get it past me, I am now revoking his title of worst liar ever. However, revenge shall be sweet. And I will have it. So, beware Ryo. I am after you.

In other news, I also got back this little match-up thing our school does. It pairs you up with guys according to a survey you take. I only bought because of what I knew it contained. Matches that were entirely wrong, but hilarious.

For instance, Caleb. I met him in the eighth grade. I once had to be separated from him in Social Studies because I was so angry at him. Since then, we get along ok, but he still knows how to push my buttons. I consider one of the more annoying children at our school.

The only guy on there that I knew and was actually on somewhat friendly terms with was Jon Butz. Which in a way, was a little awkward, considering he's in two of my classes and one teacher felt the need to read it out.

Oh well.

I helped fix my friend's computer just now. No big deal. Just told her to do System Restore. It worked and I got called a god.

I am now on my way to pick out a name for my truck.

I feel like singing.

"Why is it so hard for us to say the things we feel outside our hearts"

Well, today is the infamous Valentine's Day. Which, consequently, sucks.

For all us single people.

I did get a mysterious can of pop from a "secret admirer." Ari and Jaki deny having sent it. So I'm going with either another friend or a stalker.

It's pathetic that I'm so pessimistic I won't allow myself to believe that I could possibly have a secret admirer.

But I shall find out tomorrow.

These can of pops were also the "prank" that I sent Pfaff. In Adam's name. Although the whole thing fell to pieces. Adam knew and the freshman I bought it from wrote my name on the very bottom.

So, I basically bought Pfaff a pop.

Talk about backfire.

I got accepted into Honors English. I don't know how, I thought my essay sucked.

Unfortunately I can't talk anymore. Mounds of Algebra II calling.

It's mocking me. I know it is.

"let's take the moments that we have and remember everyday to say I love you"

Well, I am back, a day late. So I have decided to weave my story of death, life, woe, and joy here.

Friday was the day set for me to leave my home and take my brother, sister-in-law, niece, and nephew down to Florida. My sister-in-law’s, Mary, step-father was dying. So, Charlie was driving her and my niece down to stay for a few weeks and returning with me and my nephew.

Thursday night I went to bed at ten. This was normal for me, and I expected to be woken up at seven and leave for Florida at eight.

Wrong.

I was pulled out of bed at one in the morning. Besides that, I was not packed, and I had yet to take my shower. Or activate my phone. Or pull out my cd’s. Or grab books to read.

Yep. I was screwed from the start.

I got into the truck with only my purse, two sets of clothes, and hygiene stuff.

Then, promptly fell asleep.

I woke up at about seven in Tennessee. Which I must say, held me in awe. I’ve always managed to sleep through Tennessee whenever I’ve gone on a trip.

Mountains closed us in and the sides of the interstate where not fields, but cliffs. Some water ran down them like fountains; others had icicles hanging down. The color of the rocks was phenomenal. Passing by a small pond, I managed to glimpse the water. It was the prettiest and bluest water I have ever seen. No lie.

I want to spend the rest of my life in Tennessee.

We also started a game. Basically, spotting Wal-Mart semis. Mary won the first day. I sucked. I did not call one Wal-Mart truck all day.

I discovered that my brother feels the need to stop by every rest stop available.

Which tends to become annoying after about the tenth stop.

The rest of the ride was uneventful until we arrived in Florida. Suddenly, the entire landscape changed. Now it consisted of palm and pine trees. The side of the roads were covered with the spindly growing trees that I have only seen in Florida. Memories flooded back to me of the forests I used to play in as a child.
I basked in the nice, warm weather. It was sunny out, but just perfectly so, about 70 degrees with just a slight breeze.

We arrived at Mary’s parent’s house at around eleven and crashed. I slept on the floor. Which was actually quite comfy.

Let me restate something I forgot.

We arrived at Mary’s parent’s huge expensive house. These are rich people. In the whole town where they lived I saw three piece-of-crap cars. I know, because I counted. People there do not live in singular houses. They live in communities like Sun Valley East, Country Fair, Graystone. Gated communities with police guarding them. How much do these places run a month? Seven thousand dollars. Charlie told me when he and Mary lived there they had a one bedroom/one bath apartment that wasn’t even nice. It cost them $735.

Anyway, in the morning I woke up, mumbled a few incoherent sentences and took a shower.

All the people in the house crowded around Mya, my niece. And I felt a sort of selfish pride, because she hid from them and cried when they touched her. But she hid behind me, or hugged me, or kissed me. Like I said, selfish.

About an hour before me, Charlie, and my nephew, Christian, needed to leave, Mary’s step-dad passed away. It’s the closest I’ve ever been to someone who died. Spatially speaking. I was in the room next to his. It’s also the first time I’ve ever seen a dead human body.

Everyone was crying. Thankfully, my special aunt powers allowed the children to already be in bed.

I went outside with my brother. This was more of a time for family. I remember quite vividly looking up at the sky and seeing Simpson-like clouds everywhere.

A perfect sky. Except for in the very corner, where one small purple cloud hung.
When I went back inside, Mary called me into their computer room. Containing computers I would kill for. But that is besides the point. She asked me to try and pick up this mean cat. Correction, evil cat. I have never had a cat not like me. So far it had bitten Mary and Charlie. I touched it’s fur barely. It growled at me. I did manage to pick it up without getting bit, but only because of my mad cat skills. Then Mary led me to the bedroom where her mom and step-dad were. I placed the cat on the bed with her step-dad’s body. Her mom picked up his hand and petted the cat with it.

That was a little creepy.

After all this, we decided to stay until morning, which meant no school for me on Monday.

I’m complaining. Really.

One thing really irritated me that day. A pastor came over shortly after he died and said prayer. He told Mary’s mom to take as much time as she needed. Then he walked over to the dead man’s brother. He said they needed to make some decisions. Then he asked the brother if he had any "influence" on her decisions.

My brother and I both wanted to pop him.

Over the two days I found out a lot about Mary’s family. Her step-dad was a big business man and took care of everything. Including Mary’s mom. He brought her over from the Philippines.

Mary’s mom does not know how to pay bills. Write checks. Or do anything else in the real world. Everything has been done for her.

And now that he’s gone she has no idea what to do. And he owes $45,000 in taxes this year. That haven’t been paid.

And she is helpless. Seeing this and hearing about it has made me add one more thing to my list of fears: being helpless. I couldn’t stand it.
The ride back consisted of silence. Except for the occasional:
"Wal-mart truck!"
"Fuck you!"

Score: Me-7 Charlie-8

I did better! Now hopefully I can move on and learn to never go on trips with Charlie again.

Although I did find out he has a weirder sneeze than me. While mine consists of a high-pitched funny noise, his sounds somewhat like this:
"Achooshit!" "Achoofuck!" or my favorite "Achodammit!"

Teehee.

My poems are all up.

-

My list of fears (in no particular order)
1) People
2) Failing
3) Rejection
4) Falling
5) Loneliness
6) Helplessness

"It's so empty, another dark night feeling alone, drowning in the sadness"

I will be gone Friday to Sunday. I can't guarantee a post tomorrow so deal.

Sorry, I don't mean to be snappy.

Hehe, I'm apologizing to a computer. Oh well, I'm pretty sure I am insane anyway.

I have played a prank. I shall now hold my hand over my face and laugh maniacally. Please wait while I proceed to do so.

Ok, now for my master plan. I was coerced into buying a "heart-a-gram." I said I didn't have a crush to make it out to. Who knows if I was lying or not.....

But anyway, I said to make it out to a random guy. The freshman said he couldn't do that. Lightbulb. I scribbled down Adam L. on the person sending, and Pfaff on the person it's to.

It will be hilarious.

Speaking of which, today was "Would you still be my friend if I wore this" day at our school. So I wore loads of pink. I must say, the shock factor is high. Not that I'm a goth or anything, as previously stated, but I am not fond of pink.

Pink=childhood

Tiffany's childhood=not so good

Pink=bad memories

Tiffany+pink= bad idea!

Plus there's the fact that I look extremely preppy in pink. And besides that bothering me, the outfit as a whole was.....painful.

But it was funny. My goal was accomplished.

As a result of me being gone all weekend I have to take my Chem test tomorrow.

Beautiful.

"My confidence is leaving me on my own, No one can save me and you know I don't want the attention."

I have no idea what to post.

I am simply drawing a blank on what in my life could be interesting enough to satisfy anyone.

I recieved a letter from my English teacher today. It was in an envelope, and the aide, Mrs. Martin handed it to me, saying it was from Ms. Nimmer.

I was overjoyed. Thoughts ran speedily through my head.

I got into Honors English. I got into Honors English.

Did I?

Not that I know of........now there is much sighing to be done.

The letter was not, indeed, saying that I had been placed in Honors English. It was a letter, from Ms. Nimmer, saying that I was a great student, intelligent, and an overall good person. While that was nice and very enjoyable,

I still do not have the information that I wish to have.

Just one little word, yes or no. They couldn't give me one tiny hint? I took the freaking writing sample on Friday and the suspense is literally killing me.

I'm not too concerned about getting in or not, I just want to know. Really badly. I want to see if the people that tell me I'm a good writer are actually being truthful. Or if it's all lies.

Or at least if the teacher person thinks I'm good enough.

I shall go ponder this some more, pull out half my hair, and come to the conclusion that I should just wait quietly. Civilly.

"I hate you, I hate you, you're lying, you're lying"

How idiotiv is this. I sit and type up all of my poems. Every single blasted one. Only to find out that fictionpress.net has a "rule" that says I have to wait three days before I can freaking post anything.

...................................This is not working out the way it was supposed to.

"The sun came through the leaves and lit them like it was on fire, right at sunset"

Grr...I couldn't get on all yesterday to post. On the brightside I have just discovered where my poem book has been hiding for the past few days, so now I may actually go over to fictionpress.net and post them. Which I shall do once I'm done writing this.

My father came and picked up Heather today. At least I didn't have to see him. I did see the piece of crap truck that he originally wanted to buy me. I wouldn't pay five dollars for it. In fact, I'd pay five dollars for it to be pushed to the bottom of the ocean. Did I mention my father was saying, oh you'll love it it'll run great? Did I also mention this is the truck he owned a week before the engine giving out.

He also gave me a card. "Been thinking of you.." and twenty dollars. Fucking coward.

Ok, happier subject.

I have no clue what my ensemble even recieved yesterday at contest. Although the freshman played the same song that we played last year. It made me feel more prideful. Pride=one of the 7 deadly sins. Baaaadddd. But either they suck or we were really awesome last year. (Or we sucked and just thought we played great, but shh!)

The thought of going to school seems strange. Almost as if it shouldn't happen. School always seems to be something out of the ordinary, even though it's not. It doesn't seem to be a part of my routine.

On Friday, I will have money to buy me a truck. If I get what I want, I'll be extremely happy. All I know is that, March I'll be in Driver's Ed and be able to drive further than the mailbox. Yippee!

This seems like such a simple teenagerish thing. But I've always wanted to drive and it's fun. I also feel pleasure in knowing that I'm made happy by a small thing. It doesn't take gold and jewels and money to please me.

Just driving lessons.

Now, I feel the need to leave. It's 8:00 and I have half an hour to frantically type as many poems as possible and maybe link them to here. Then, a shower.

Not that any of you really needed to know that.

"Letting out the voice inside of me. Every window pane is shattering."

Ryo insists I update, so I shall.

Time seems to disappear so quickly. It slips quickly through my fingers. My half-day seemed unusually cut short. That extra hour and a half was not used for homework and other schoolwork, it was used driving to the library and Wal-Mart.

My brain seems to be dropping slowly.

Ryo has questioned my ability to recall the molar mass of a couple of elements and water. This has been bugging me for some reason. It's not as if I try to memorize them. I just pick them up after using them so much.

I felt somewhat insulted in speech class today. I shouldn't. It's one of those pride things.

Erin asked me if I was in two-year algebra, for the simple reason that I would be able to tell her the assignment. The difference between 2-year Algebra and Honors Algebra II: really big!

Not that I bragged. I have a hard time bragging. For a moment I felt almost embarrassed that I was in it.

I can brag to Zach, if only to see his smug smirk drop.

I will put up my poems this weekend.

Fun, fun, fun.