"Tell me everything will be alright Close your eyes and dream of me tonight Tell me that you won't just fade away"

I have been accepted as a 2006 Poetry Ambassador.

Course, I have no clue what the hell that means. However, it may look good on a resume or other school thingy.

That is right. I, Poetry Ambassador extraordinare and masterful word maneuverer, just used the word 'thingy.'

I'm chuckling on the inside. If I can chuckle. It sounds like such a funny word. I like snicker better. But people tell me that sounds weirder.

Oh well. Since when do I care. I'm snickering.

Music is a big part of my life. Anyone who reads this blog should be able to tell that. Anyone who is just now waking up to that fact is an insufferable idjit who should leave now.

As of right now I am listening to "Promise" by this band called Spoken. Yet, I enjoy it. It makes me feel at peace. Lets me drop my current thoughts.

"Things will get better this I promise you
And I know that you won’t feel this way forever
Things will get better this I promise you
And I know loneliness won’t last forever"

"I came down here to tell you it rains in heaven all day long, I wanna find you so bad and let you know I'm miserable up here without you"

Detached. Estranged. Out of it.

I can't get my thoughts together. It's like I'm just floating. I have no sense of time. I do not even know where Saturday and Sunday went.

Hell, I was shocked it was Monday.

But this all seems so trivial.

My thoughts while going to the library were weird. I noticed people. Two girls and a boy laughing. A man pacing while on his cell phone outside a diner. I wondered what was happening, what they were thinking as I was sitting, passing by them in a car.

I noticed houses too. I pondered. What were people doing inside them. Were they sitting watching TV? Having a family moment? I doubt that one...so few of us care about family anymore. Yet I feel like I'm drifting from mine. In small ways.

I yell at my sister more often. It scares me.

I am going to Quiz Bowl nationals. This excites me. I never get to go on trips. I had to beg to go to King's Island in the seventh and eighth grade. The Washingtion trip for our school was cancelled.

Yet I am dreading it also. I'll be spending a week with these people that I don't fit in with. Don't know how to talk to.

And with Brady. If he can be counted as a person. I wonder how long it will be until I smother him in his sleep?

That would be an interesting phone call to my mother.

My mother made me feel awkward the other day. I noticed the guy behind us in line at Wal-Mart staring at me. He was wearing a brown trenchcoat and was waaaaayy too old to be looking at me that way. I didn't say anything though.

We were walking out and my mom commented.

"Did you see that guy staring at you? He's too old to be staring at you. The guy in the red shirt."

I did not mention the guy behind us in line.

My mom says I should stop looking like a nineteen year old. I say guys should get a life. There were plenty of other girls, prettier than me, that the pedophiles could have stared at.

It was just weird having my mom comment. She started making fake gushy comments.

I hid her cigarettes.

"Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over"

Spring Break.

And I am utterly alone. Except for Ari and maybe Heather.

But in reality I am alone. Dragged down by the two monstrous little kids I must reign over for the week.

I feel I must write my composition for music theory in this time. Use my keyboard and guitar. Though in reality, just my keyboard. Because it contains a guitar "tone" and that will better transfer to the school's "guitar tone" than my actual guitar would. Basically, no bends, slides, or anything at all that makes a guitar fun. The sound will end up being a piano and a piano that sounds like a guitar. Joy.

I am contemplating writing a real song, so that the music isn't a jumbled up mess.

In reality, I am sitting here. At 10:38 a.m., wondering why I didn't keep sleeping. Why I am here. If I should accomplish something spectacular in this week.

If I am capable of something spectacular.

I asked Heather on Friday if I sometimes acted arrogant about my intelligence. This was prompted by something I said in English, and the reply. To my horror, she said sometimes I do act that way, though it is more of me being confident in my intelligence. I am disgusted. I didn't realize I acted that way, except for using it to pull something over friends, as much as I would height, at least in Heather's case.

I must change this. I didn't realize I was an egotistical person like some people I see in the Honors classes. This bugs me. I dislike those people, or at least their opinions, and it saddens me greatly that I am one of them. I realized that I have an ego, and that it was larger than I would like, but this never crossed my mind.

Maybe people have a right in saying that I'm mean and scary. Maybe I am.

I'm starting to scare myself.

"And the red ones make me fly, and the blue ones help me fall and I think I'll blow my brains against the ceiling."

I have realized something very important.

I can see why people think I'm suicidal.

Honestly, I could easily be voted most likely to commit suicide, if you disregarded my feelings and love, or at least like, of life.

This is because of two reasons.

1) I am trying to achieve the Academic Honors Diploma with Distinction.

For most people, that already means I will have jumped off a bridge by the end of my junior year. That and the excessive amounts of AP and Honors classes.

2) I wear black.

This seems to also make me suicidal and depressed. Just because I wear black does not mean I'm depressed. While I am depressed sometimes while I am wearing black, the black does not affect my mood.

But it puts another round of tickets in for me for the raffle of who will commit suicide.

Just an interesting thought I had.

How stereotypes drive the earth.

How by trying my hardest not to be any stereotype, I'm actually conforming with people trying to do the exact same thing. Not that I care.

I don't care when I walk down hallways and people stare at me for wearing black.

I don't care when I walk down hallways and goths stare at me for wearing jeans.

Then again, perhaps it's the loud music.

It may be the source of my staring problem.

But it sets me apart. And it makes me happy. I like loud music. I prefer it when you can feel the beat of the music in your body. When your thoughts are only the music, and all other problems can be pushed out.

As you float away into the sea of notes. Where nothing hurts and you can just enjoy.

Hehe. The title for this one is funny. It's actually from one of my favorite songs, but I think it fits perfectly for this post.

"And I think I'll blow my brains against the ceiling. And as the fragments of my skull begin to fall, fall on your tongue like pixie dust, just think happy thoughts." - Headfirst for Halos My Chemical Romance

"Without it all, I'm choking on nothing, it's clear in my head and I'm screaming for something, knowing nothing is better than knowing at all"

Short post. Homework. Uggh.

I finally remembered to pick up the Quiz Bowl suckers that we are supposed to sell to raise money for nationals.

My incentive: beat Zach.

The score so far: 11-5

Guess who's winning?

That's right, we all know I rule.

Not that I'll be going to nationals anyway. It's going to be around $360. Hah! As if I could afford that. Granted, if we cut it really tight, and saved enormously....we might get half way there. It's selfish to even think about asking my mom for it, considering she's spitting out money for my Driver's Ed. Oh well. Maybe next year. If I'm still there.

Nothing else special. Oh, a kid in my chemistry class said he'd rather buy a sucker from Ryo than me. After I called him my hero, the nerve! No actually, I'd probably be the same, but it was still fun to tease him. Hey, he picked on me first. Sort of. Maybe not. Whoops....oh well. It was still fun. Cheered my day up.

Not that it was sad, just boring.

Activity period. 30 minutes of sitting. Bugging Pfaff. Who was not entertaining me, but drawing in his barn door. Grr.....

Stack of homework calls. Must write speech. Got to give it tomorrow. So screwed. Must go fix that. Tired of writing without subjects. Have to go now.

"Heaven's gates won't open up for me With these broken wings I'm fallin' And all I see is you"

Hey, just ignore my last post.

I was only being an insufferable complaining twit again.

I must "write" my speech today. I'll be insulting the teacher. Just without her realizing it.

My stat things for this blog are very strange. I've had people from Chicago, Texas. And I wonder how they stumble across it. What they think when they read it.

How they perceive the chaos that is me.

"so this is who you really are, to think I trusted you, and now your words mean nothing to me, 'cause your actions speak the truth"

Sorry for any typos, I'm having an extremely tough time writing.

She's searching for someone
To save her from this place,
To rescue (rescue) her
from what she can't escape

So, today was another Quiz Bowl tournament. We did pretty well, 8th. My team, Harrison 4, beat out Harrison 2. All in all it was a pretty good day.

There's not much hope left
She's thrown it all away
Been knocked down so much she can't get up
She cries out in pain,

Except for the ride home.

Take me (take me away) away (Further away)
Outside of this
I'm looking (falling apart) for what's... (Looking for what's...)

I always feel left out. It's normal. Something I've accepted. But never something I expect. I guess I should.

Her make up smeared around
As tears run down her face

We played a game called the Island. You're given three people: one to ship, one to talk to but not touch, and one to do but not talk to.

Not too bad so far.

The mask she (the mask she) had is
soon to be erased

First round I was given Pfaff, Jake and Kurt. Pfaff was gone, obviously.

I don't really know Jake and Kurt. But I knew Kurt better, so I said I'd talk to him and do Jake. Which of course Defong whispers to Jake. Even though it was a game. That kind of made me angry. None of them were playing and knew the circumstances. But I brushed it off.

She's broken and let down
with nowhere left to turn
Asking herself, "What's worth living for?"
She cries out again

Second round I had an annoying freshman named Dan, Zach and Pfaff. I shipped Dan, talked to Zach and reluctantly did Pfaff.

Take me (take me away) away (Further away)
Outside of this
I'm looking (falling apart) for what's (Looking for what's)
Outside of this
Outside of this

Third round it finally came around to me. This was the be nice round. I'm supposed to plug my ears, which I did, but I was able to hear anyway. I hear mentions of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. Then Ariel goes off talking with Anna. I hear Mrs. Schneider say we're about twenty minutes away.

The candle is burning out
The light flickers away
The candle is burning out
The light flickers away
The candle is burning out
The light flickers away

I wait for someone to tell me to unplug my ears.

And wait.

Finally, Katie does. Not one of the other people that I know even better. Not one of the people sitting next to me. It takes five minutes for them to notice that I'm still sitting there.

You reach out your hand
To save her from this place
You reach out your hand...
To save her from this place

I brushed that off quickly. Not as if anyone noticed. Only Katie informed me that the game was over. I nodded and headed back to my normal seat.

And escaped. Into my music. Suicidal music at a bad time.

Take me (take me away) away (Further away)
Outside of this
I'm looking (falling apart) for what's (Looking for what's)
Outside of this

And I sat there. Staring into nothing.

Realizing that I was fighting back tears.

And no one noticed.

At all.

Take me away (Take me away)
Further away (Further away)
Outside of this
I'm falling apart (Falling apart)
Looking for what's... (Looking for what's)
Outside of this
Outside of this
Outside of this
Take me away
Further away
Outside of this

On the way home I sung my heart out to Fall Out Boy.

I went straight to my bedroom and broke out my guitar.

Playing Ironman over

and over.

Till my fingers throbbed from pressing the frets so hard.

I'm falling apart. Looking for what's

Outside of this...

I'd appreciate it if you guys didn't say anything on this one. I'd rather just forget today.

"And I'm on fire when you're near me. I'm on fire when you speak. I'm on fire burning at these mysteries."

The past two days can best be described as forlorn. They weren't in the beginning. Wednesday everyone kept asking me if I was ok. I didn't think any thing of it, I was perfectly fine. Then Jaki asked me in Algebra II. I had been sitting there for a while, not actually even thinking. Just sitting. I realized maybe I wasn't ok. Everyone around me seemed so happy, but something felt like it was missing. And it kind of still is.

Chemistry kind of hurt. I overheard Rachel talking to Ryo. I asked her who they were talking about. She said no one. Two simple words, but they automatically stung. I don't think she meant it, but I withdrew suddenly.

I asked her if it was about this girl I heard got in a fight with Ryo. It was. There was no reason to keep me out of the conversation. But she was going to.

Oh well. Just a feeling of exclusion. It doesn't matter.

Today was a drifty sort of day. Nothing exciting, just sitting. Mike didn't show up to the Quiz Bowl practice that he arranged. We barely practiced, more of rambled on about random things. It was quite boring and I once again felt as if I don't quite belong. Everyone has their own little group in Quiz Bowl. I'm the odd person out.

Everywhere.

Next weekend I will get the house all to myself practically. Not including the sister that will surely be locked in the bedroom of hers after an hour.

I need something to cheer me up. The weekend will help. Right now I just feel empty, yet so full of emotions I don't want to feel.

Conflicts rage. Feelings drop. Just close my eyes till they all stop.

"I've made a commitment I'm willing to bleed for you I needed fulfillment I found what I need in you"

Blah. Blah. Blah.

That is all I hear come out of some people's mouths. It's quite interesting how easy it is to doze off during Speech class.

I did not wear black today besides the normal watch, necklace, shoes and fingernails. People felt the need to comment. I felt the need to strangle them.

Not really. It's just that a couple people seem to think if I don't wear black something must be wrong with me.

People confused me. Twice today. It was strange.

In one of my classes this guy was staring at me. I may have mentioned before, I'm slightly paranoid when people stare at me.

I felt someone looking at me. Using my peripheral vision I was able to pick this guy out. He's cute, but according to a friend's opinion, an asshole. So I glanced casually, sweeping my eyes across the room as if I were bored. He kept looking at me. I kept thinking. What the hell? I just caught you staring at me. Why the fuck are you still looking?

Nerves began to kick in. Maybe I looked incredibly stupid in that moment.

What did I do?

Pretended to engrossed in my pencil and thanked god when the teacher turned off the lights for the movie.

I'm so pathetic.

Then, I was on my way back from grabbing pretzels and mints from the vending machine. This was after school, and I had already dropped off my mp3 player in the Quiz Bowl room. May I also say that I was not wearing black. I had left my purse in the room also. No reason for anyone to notice me.

Yet I hear my name said behind me as I move towards the corner for the stairs.

I had noticed a few kids on the middle section of the commons on my way there but had thought nothing of them on my way back, as I was opening my pretzel bag.

I turned around at my name. With a pretzel stuffed in my mouth. I quickly swallowed as the girl asked me if my name was Tiffany.

Now, the girl was with maybe three guys who were more or less dressed in black shirts and pants. I suppose you could call them gothic, maybe emo. I wouldn't know. I recognized one as the guy who feels the need to wear the same My Chemical Romance T-shirt I have on the exact same day I do.

I said yes, then stopped for a second. She said ok, she thought she was right. I shrugged and scurried off to the stairs.

Honestly, I have never seen this girl in my life. Ever. I have no idea where she would get my name. If it was a guess it was one in a million considering I think there are two other Tiffanys and they're both blonde.

Seriously, did something happen that I don't know about? Did my face get plastered on some wall that says: Tiffany, the freak show. Stop and Stare.

Freaky people. Grr....this will bug me for days.

"In a perfect world this could never happen in a perfect world you'd still be here"

I'm an utterly brilliant genius.

The sound on my computer now works.

Because I fixed it.

Because I'm a genius.

Granted, it took me a little under a year, but that was mostly because I was lazy. So shh! Let me bask in my brilliance.

I dyed my hair half black. Again. This time it's less streaky. However, after blowdrying my hair, I see no difference. Grr...my hair is too dark. Now I'll just have even more people saying my hair is black.

But I don't care. You wanna know why?

Because I'm a genius.

I'm also the only person in Honors classes that wears black "gothic/punk/whatever else" clothes. I have noticed this. It seems that any females are preppy or wear "normal" clothes. This depresses me.

It almost makes me sad for the true gothy people at our school. None of them are represented in the intelligent area.

It almost makes me want to become a goth just to show people that way of dress doesn't define the person.

But then again, I guess I already do that. Plus, I couldn't live with wearing black all the time. It'd be too weird. And it wouldn't be me.

Heaven forbid I don't act like myself. Last time that happened I was head to toe pink.

Wow. Anyone who reads this must think I'm really screwed up in the head. Maybe I am.

My last post consisted of myself yelling at myself for being an idiot.

Now I'm calling myself a genius.

Teehee.

I must be on something. I am uncharacteristically waaaaay too hyper.

It happens.

But it shall never remove my heightened intelligence. That earned me sound.

I won't be deaf anymore! At least, until the loud music finally begins to affect my ears. But I don't care right.

You know why?

That's right, cause I'm a genius.

"Such rage that you could scream all the stars right out of the sky and destroy the prettiest starry night"

Today was very intereseting. Ryo wasn't there.

I noticed after a few minutes in Band. Everything seemed quiet, cut off. I looked around. The people around me were at least a chair away. It felt lonely. No one talked to me. I just sat there, people chittering away. Making me feel terribly detached.

Ryo, come back! By the way, I stole your music. Hope you don't care.

QuizBowl was ok. I got picked last, except for Gero. That kind of hurt a little. It made me more aware. I guess I'm not as smart as I thought.

Oh well.

I answered a couple questions...but I did make a few stupid mistakes. Maybe that's it. Maybe I'm a risk.

Oh well.

Shoot me in the head now please. Forgot to do my homework again. Rushed to do my Chemistry. Aced the quiz, but left a question on the worksheet blank.

I'm an idiot.

Oh well.

"Touched by angels though, I fall out of grace"

I really need to post more often.

Today was...thoughtful.

My mother was watching some idiotic MTV show. The girl had to choose the guy after two dates. Surprise, surprise, she picked the one that cooked for her.

Not that I'd be any different. Honestly, advice to any guys: cooking will get you everywhere. It's not even the food, just the gesture. The cooking could be horrible and I'd still be happy. (Assuming the guy had a back-up plan like sandwiches.) It's something about the fact that when women were supressed, we were made to cook. Cooking for a woman shows you respect her and think she's more important to you than your own self.

Basically, in the words of Sam:

Cooking=orgasmic

I've realized how lucky I am to have a true best friend. I mean it's something that really makes me glad. Plenty of girls can brag about boyfriends, but not that many about best friends.

True, I have many best friends, but Heather takes the cake. I feel I can tell her anything and I do. We share the same tastes, but also have a few guilty pleasures. Better yet, she's someone I can act like a total dork around and not feel stupid. Plus, she'll act like a dork with me.

It also makes me realize that I don't talk that much. I have an interrupting problem because I can never seem to start a conversation, and if I want to talk to someone, I find it hard to insert in the right place. When I try to say something, I'm ignored. This happens to me often. It feels lonely, that no one pays attention.

I could probably go all day without talking to anyone besides Heather, Ari, Ryo, or Josh. Though I could probably play Josh and Ari off one another, and not sit near them at lunch. I don't think I could avoid Ryo, considering he's my lab partner and all. Maybe if I was extremely quiet in Band and it wasn't a lab day.

I guess that's why I feel glad Heather's my friend. I know that, withholding special circumstances, we will talk to each other every school day.

The summary of my weekend:

Friday: slept

Saturday: Got fifth in QuizBowl tournament, Zach has an enormous head

Sunday: Dosed with NyQuil. Best sleep in years.

Monday: Died from exhaustion and stupidity. Glancing quite often at the NyQuil bottle. Very tempted.

"Like the innocence of love, I'm scared to death of what's to become of my immortal soul, of this eternal flame"

Okay, update. Made 4th chair in Band. Nothing much else.

My English teacher scolded me for not being in Honors English. Oh well, I will be next year. I'm somewhat sick with a cold, which sucks. Nothing too bad, just packed up ears, the sniffles, and lots of sneezing....which I hate.

And a QuizBowl tournament tomorrow. Lovely.

I am now eating the last of the chocolate covered raisins. I swear I would kill for these things. I suppose it has something to do with the chocolate female impulse. I find a lot of things are blamed on the fact that I am female.

I can't hang out with guys and just be friends. I can't tease a guy or pick on him and just be friends/bitter enemies. I can't do anything properly. I'm not intelligent. I have no logic worth listening to. I can not have valid, insightful reasons for the things that I do. I must rely on my breasts and looks to get what I want. I could not possibly ever win against a male.

In short, I simply do not matter.

This makes me glad that the people I do hang out with don't think this way, but it still hurts when I'm put down because I'm a female. I can't control it, it is what I was born as. Idiots.

I have to decide what to demonstrate for a speech by Tuesday. I have been pondering ideas since the beginning of the semester. So far, I have absolutely nothing.

I could teach the class how to use a smartboard, seeing as the teacher can't even scroll down a page. That, however, might be slightly mean.

Ryo says I should do something funny, like how to make it so that everyone generalizes about you. But that might give more insight into me. Plus, knowing the class I'm in, they won't find it funny.

They didn't even get my condom joke on my first speech. Or my sibling one in the second. Or my website one on the third. And, if I do say so myself, they were pretty funny.

Maybe I should give a demonstration on how to completely screw your life up.

I'd be good at that.